By R. Brownell
The anticipation for Tuesday night’s round one of the Democrat chainsaw massacre isn’t as high as it was when the GOP kicked off in August, but there are still some big things to look forward to. With few debates and fewer candidates running, the show will consist of:
Former First Lady, New York Senator, Secretary of State, and possible future felon, Hillary Clinton
Former Governor, Mayor, Senator, and Republican-Independent-Democrat turncoat trifecta Lincoln Chaffee
Former Mayor, Congressman, and current Senator, Bernie Sanders (no relation to the KFC Colonel)
Former Mayor and Governor, Martin O’Malley
And former US Secretary of the Navy, Assistant Secretary of Defense for Reserve Affairs, and US Senator, Jim Webb
As of right now, here are my predictions for how the debate will go down:
- Hillary will take up most all the talking time because to deny her that would be sexist.
- No one will bring up the e-mail scandal, Benghazi scandal, Russian nuclear reset scandal, Lewinsky scandal, white water scandal… because to bring up any of those things would also be sexist.
- O’Malley will change the topic from why Baltimore is a living Hell to fighting for LGBT people, because to talk about how he helped destroy Baltimore would be hateful against LGBT people.
- Bernie Sanders will take every free thing Hillary wants to provide and talk about how every free thing he wants to give will be free-er. Anyone who denies the validity of Sanders’ free stuff will be labeled racist.
- Lincoln Chaffee will be playing Angry Birds on his phone while the other candidates debate.
- Hillary will talk about her landmark achievements in life, and anyone who asks her to specify on those achievements will also be labeled as sexist.
- Bernie Sanders will bring up Clinton’s Iraq vote: to side with Sanders will make you a sexist, but to side with Clinton will make you a warmonger.
- O’Malley will probably say “all lives matter,” but then backtrack and say “black lives matter,” because to say “all lives matter” will make you a racist.
- Lincoln Chaffee will agree with Hillary Clinton on everything because he isn’t sexist.
- Jim Webb will be the only candidate on stage to not only defend the Constitution, but will bring up his history of fighting for much needed justice reform, his bipartisan efforts to help our national defense during the Reagan administration, discuss logical tax reform, and talk about why we need a strong military yet also a non interventionist foreign policy. Yet, his mic will be shut off because the progressives don’t care for a Jack Kennedy Democrat who speaks truth and isn’t promising free stuff.
As you watch this occur and realize that these sexist, race baiting, old, white, modern day socialists might actually become president, you will then either throw all your cash at a hopeless GOP candidate like Rick Santorum, slit your wrist as you consider having to work with the Libertarian Party, or just consider running away to Canada where you can then stick your head in the ground. It’s at that point you understand where everything went wrong…