2016 Presidential Race Political Comedy

New Undercover Tape Captures the Real Gary Johnson

by Josh Guckert

In an undercover tape newly discovered by The Libertarian Republic, Gary Johnson is caught speaking candidly about various polarizing topics. The Libertarian nominee may have to issue responses following these shocking revelations.

One of the first incidents involves Johnson in a discussion with his running mate William Weld. As the two have casual back-and-forth about dietary tips, Johnson pulls Weld in closely and quietly whispers to him, “You know, when [Johnson’s fiancee] Kate [Prusack] isn’t looking, I’m known to eat an Oreo or two,” he says, as a faint smile envelops his face. He continues on, “Grab ’em right by the cookie.”

The former New Mexico governor is known for his healthy eating and lifestyle, so this is no doubt a scandal. However, it does not stop there. He also offers his opinions on pop culture. When discussing the James Bond series with Libertarian Party Chair Nicholas Sarwark, the conversation got heated. Sarwark stated the popular belief that, “Well, of course Sean Connery is the best James Bond.” Then, after a brief pause takes place in the tape, Johnson inquires, “What about Daniel Craig?” The LP chair can be heard audibly gasping in disbelief.

Perhaps the most damning, however, takes place when the nominee is checking out at a local diner during one of his campaign tours through New Mexico. The security footage catches Johnson clearly telling the waitress he wishes to have his sandwich with no mayo. However, upon his order coming with the condiment, Johnson only remarks to his campaign staff that it is wrong after the waitress leaves. He continues on to eat the sandwich and leave the wait staff a 25% tip, keeping his complaints to himself. For a man who prides himself on honesty, this is difficult to believe.

New developments as of the time of this writing also involve a 2013 tape wherein a speaker believed to be Johnson says of pop icon Beyoncé that the singer is only “pretty good.” All of these revelations should likely serve to shake the Johnson campaign to its core just a few weeks before Election Day.

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