It’s happened. You’ve caught the Monkeypox. Blisters and bubbles are popping up all over your body, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re in trouble now, mister. She’s going to find out, and she’s not going to take it well either.
You may have to stand firm in your resolve with a phrase like, “TECHNICALLY, you can get monkeypox without having sex with other men!” Repeat and clap your hands in between words if needed.
But if that doesn’t work, we’ve got a couple of last ditch efforts you can try.
It’s not Monkeypox; It’s actually Leprosy
This is a play that probably guarantees you some space if it works. 95% of the population is immune to leprosy, so you might be able to squeak by with this explanation, while keeping your wife at arm’s length. You only get one try claiming it’s not Monkeypox, and this one is your best bet.
You were bitten by a radioactive monkey
Science has definitely gone too far. An escaped radioactive monkey was on the loose, and it bit you on your way to your car. The Monkeypox is temporary, but tell her to hold tight for the super powers that are sure to follow.
Your shoe fell off and you stepped on a syringe
It only takes a split second for everything to go wrong. Your shoe fell off and there was a syringe right on your next footstep. Who could have known? Apparently that rig had been used to shoot heroin by someone who was infected with Monkeypox. You can follow up with telling her you’re being tested for other bloodborne pathogens that may have been on that needle.
A homeless voodoo shaman witch doctor guy put a curse on you
You were walking to your car in the grocery store parking lot when a homeless guy asked you for spare change. You said no and kept on walking. But this wasn’t just an ordinary homeless guy. This was a homeless voodoo shaman witch doctor guy. He waved his hands at you, making unintelligible sounds which appeared to be some form of an incantation. Then these bumps began appearing on your body later in the day. You have every intention of returning to the grocery store to find this homeless voodoo shaman witch doctor guy so you can give him a dollar to lift the curse. Who knew this sort of thing was real?
You were the victim of a bioterrorism attack
Just another morning on the subway turned out to be anything but. A suspicious backpack apparently left under your seat contained a canister that was filled with the Monkeypox virus. The canister exploded and released an airborne Monkeypox agent that was impossible not to breathe in. This new variant of Monkeypox, called Monkeycron-1, is actually transmissible by air. This is by design, and the work of bioterrorists. Terrible people in this world!