ISIS terrorists complain about the wait times to become suicide bombers

By: Ryan Carrillo

Reports are coming in that ISIS fighters are angry at their senior commanders for allowing “friends and family” to skip to the front of the Jihad line to blow themselves up.

It seems Obama and others are mistaken when they say that the Islamic State is neither Islamic or a state, as fighters for the group are complaining about the bureaucracy, nepotism, and cronyism involved in strapping a bomb to their chest or getting a car full of explosives to kill themselves in. That sounds like a state to me, think of the DMV with a more explosive ending once you get your license.

Earlier this year, Kabir Ahmed told the BBC’s program Panorama that he was on a “waiting list” to be a suicide bomber.  Last November he finally got what he wanted and died in a suicide attack on an Iraqi convoy. Not all Jihadis are as “lucky” as him though.

“Martyrdom Operations” as they’re called, are considered an honor and a privilege, so much so that some militants are complaining of nepotism slowing down the process.

According to the Independent:

Kamil Abu Sultan al-Daghestani claimed that Saudi militants in Iraq are putting their friends and relatives forward for suicide bombings in Iraq ahead of Chechens.

Abu Sultan’s complaint, titled “Corruption In Dawlah” (Isis), was shared on a website believed to be linked to Islamic militants from the North Caucasus region.

He claims to have been told of the nepotism from veteran Chechen fighter Akhmed Chatayev (Akhmad al-Shishani), who is believed to head Isis’ Yarmouk Battalion.

The waiting list for suicide bombers in Syria is said to be so long that many militants are killed by their enemies before they reach the top.

Abu Sultan wrote that a militant who travelled to Iraq to get on the shorter waiting list there complained that the only way to be put on a suicide mission was through personal connections.

Al-Daghestani said “Those Saudis have got things sewn up, they won’t let anyone in, they are letting their relatives go to the front of the line using blat (connections).”

It’s no surprise these mentally deranged losers want to kill themselves as soon as possible. Other than the fact that they’re sexually frustrated “wankers” as London’s mayor Boris Johnson once said, the Islamic State is also apparently a living hell with nowhere to charge your Ipods or any Apple Geniuses to fix them when they break.

Jihadis writing back home to their parents in France complained that “I’ve basically done nothing except hand out clothes and food, I also help clean weapons and transport dead bodies from the front. Winter’s arrived here. It’s begun to get really hard.” Another one whined that, “I’m fed up. They make me do the washing up.” And finally a French Jihadi cried that, “I’m fed up. My iPod doesn’t work any more here. I have to come back.”

I wonder which playlist works best for getting the goats in the mood?

We can only hope that these problems of cronyism and nepotism are quickly solved by the ISIS leadership and that these fine young lads are quickly sent to “paradise.” Preferably while still in suicide bomber class however.