The Five Worst Christmas Songs (And Scathing Rebuttals)

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Listen up kid, you could have starred in your own feel-good Original Hallmark Movie about saving your parents’ marriage on Christmas. Instead you wrote this ridiculous song. You could have tipped your father off without making a complete fool of him on the radio. I’m sure you’re sitting there wondering what’s taking him so long to get back home with that pack of cigarettes he went out for. Merry Christmas, you little shit.

Your neighbor Scott said Santa alerted the entire neighborhood about your mom by flying away from your house, laughing Ho Ho Ho. I wouldn’t be surprised if your mom ruins some of their marriages too while she’s at it. At this point, you really should tell her to start browsing Sugar Daddy

 

Last Christmas

You whiny emo douchebag. If you waited until Christmas to give her your heart, it’s really no surprise that the very next day she gave it away. This year won’t save you from tears, because it sounds like you’re about to repeat the exact same mistake. You’re not all that bright, are you. Maybe that’s why this song plays every goddamn year. You just never learn!

Did it ever occur to you that there is more than one day a year? It’s rather insulting to not pay attention to someone the other 364 days and then act like you’re the 2nd Coming of Jesus on Christmas. But the very next day it was back to playing video games and watching sports ALL THE TIME. Who could blame her for junking that? Get over yourself, and quit making her out to be the problem. This has been happening to you every year since 1984. Maybe that’s a hint?

 

I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas

Look, I love getting together with extended family as much as anyone else. But at some point, I want them to leave. Having them be snowed in with me is not my idea of a Merry Christmas. To make matters worse, snow covered branches are falling onto power lines and it’s only a matter of time before your circuit goes down too. Fun!

Snow needs to stay the hell out of the lowlands, and Christmas is no exception. A good Christmas song needs to be universally applicable. Southern states don’t even get snow. The concept of dreaming of a White Christmas doesn’t even make sense to people in the South. 

[Correction: We have been informed by David Duke that dreaming of a White Christmas makes perfect sense to people in the South]

 

Christmas Shoes

Look, I know that we’re trying to be as inclusive as possible here… but the whole Mommy got cancer for Christmas is seriously jumping the shark. 

According to the website Song Facts:

“The song’s storyline was inspired by a Christmas story that St. Louis-based radio personality DC Chymes found on the Internet. A NewSong fan, Chymes asked Eddie Carswell to write a song based on the narrative.”

Did it ever occur to you that what you found on the internet was an edgy Helen Keller Joke? What did the blind deaf mute get for Christmas? Cancer!”

STFU and sing, happy shit.

 

Mr Grinch

Did you all ever think that maybe The Grinch is the way he is because every five minutes someone is singing a song about what a piece of shit he is?

Look, there’s only so much that someone can take. Maybe he didn’t hate Christmas. Maybe he hated The Whos and their stupid moobs that stick out past their bellies and their dumb songs and Mitt Romney look-a-like mayors.

I’d be pretty pissed off too.

Like, this is bullshit. I could have been taking a nap with the Lorax but instead I’m stuck in a snowy cave having to hear all the Noise Noise NOISE? Go hop on pop and then kiss my ass.

Related posts

30 comments

gambling casino online June 30, 2020 at 12:05 am

online casino with free signup bonus real money usa

best casino online

ocean casino online nj July 2, 2020 at 3:01 am

real online casino

casino

viagra sildenafil July 3, 2020 at 9:04 pm

viagra online

viagra canada

online casinos for usa players July 6, 2020 at 4:06 am

casino moons online casino

real money casino app

san manuel casino online July 8, 2020 at 9:44 am

parx casino online

real money online casino

buy cialis online July 11, 2020 at 12:23 pm

generic cialis reviews

purchasing cialis online

loans for bad credit July 13, 2020 at 5:28 am

loans online

online payday loans

quick cash loans July 16, 2020 at 5:26 am

payday advance

loan online

payday advance July 19, 2020 at 7:01 am

personal loans

loan online

viagra cost July 22, 2020 at 8:23 am

viagra prescription

viagra prescription

cialis internet July 25, 2020 at 7:14 am

cialis 5 mg

20 cialis

cialis 5 mg July 29, 2020 at 6:51 am

new cialis

5 mg cialis

cialis 5 mg July 31, 2020 at 4:59 pm

new cialis

20 cialis

20 cialis August 3, 2020 at 5:39 am

buy cialis

cialis 5 mg

cialis internet August 6, 2020 at 12:00 pm

20 cialis

cialis 20

slot machine games August 9, 2020 at 11:34 am

casino online games

play for real online casino games

doubleu casino August 13, 2020 at 2:48 am

slots real money

online slots real money

casino gambling August 16, 2020 at 7:27 pm

online slots real money

casino real money

real money online casino August 20, 2020 at 6:19 pm

real money casino

casino online

viagra without doctor prescription August 23, 2020 at 6:36 pm

viagra cost

sildenafil price

sildenafil online August 25, 2020 at 8:57 pm

generic name for viagra

cheap viagra online

sildenafil price August 28, 2020 at 8:49 pm

canada viagra

viagra dosage

online cialis September 1, 2020 at 7:59 am

buy real cialis online

buy generic cialis online

generic cialis 20mg September 5, 2020 at 7:41 am

buy cialis online safely

cialis cialis online

online casino gambling September 15, 2020 at 5:35 am

online casinos

online casino games real money

casinos online September 18, 2020 at 9:44 am

casino games win real money

online casinos real money

Real viagra without prescription November 19, 2020 at 10:03 am

Canadian pharmacy viagra legal

Viagra 100mg england

gefälschte Währung online, June 5, 2024 at 6:21 am

… [Trackback]

[…] Find More here to that Topic: thelibertarianrepublic.com/the-five-worst-christmas-songs-and-scathing-rebuttals/ […]

tai sunwin June 16, 2024 at 9:52 am

… [Trackback]

[…] Information on that Topic: thelibertarianrepublic.com/the-five-worst-christmas-songs-and-scathing-rebuttals/ […]

steenslagfolie July 2, 2024 at 12:25 pm

… [Trackback]

[…] Read More to that Topic: thelibertarianrepublic.com/the-five-worst-christmas-songs-and-scathing-rebuttals/ […]

Leave a Comment