Hillary Clinton: I’m Retarded

Okay, not really, but she got damn close. IJReview’s Benny Johnson recently unearthed an old gridiron video in which then-First Lady Hillary Clinton does her best job of aping a Southern accent (spoiler alert: It’s awful) while pretending to be Forrest Gump.

The humor in the skit is about as hard to find as most of Clinton’s old emails, but what’s interesting about it is how all the jokes are supposed to work. That is to say, Hillary starts off by talking about what “good advice” her failed health care plan was, only to then go on and list other examples of her “good advice.” And wouldn’t you know it, they’re all absolutely terrible. For example, Hillary takes credit for…

  • Telling George McGovern to give his acceptance speech for the 1972 Democratic nomination at 2:00 AM, so that it’ll be “in prime time…in Hawaii!”
  • Being “Deep Throat” (somewhere, Bill is thinking “I wish”), eventually resulting in Bob Woodward writing “The Agenda,” a very unflattering book about the Clinton White House
  • Telling Jimmy Carter to give a speech about “mayonnaise, because everybody loves mayonnaise,” only to have Carter mishear her and give his infamous “malaise” speech
  • Instructing Michael Dukakis to pose for the much-maligned image of him in a tank

Notice a pattern? In every single one of these instances, Hillary is supposed to have given the instructions that led to a Democrat either resoundingly losing the Oval Office, or being disgraced eventually due to her actions. Her recollection is even book-ended by two appearances of Republican campaign buses from 1996, making the implication clear: If Bill loses in 1996, it’s her fault. So while the video itself completely fails at humor about as badly as the Clinton machine fails at transparency, it’s unintentionally terribly funny in retrospect.

Why? Because this woman, Hillary “Rodham” Gump/Clinton, the woman seen as the millstone around the Clinton White House’s neck, is considered the Democrats’ best chance in 2016. You know what they say: The Democratic Party is like a box of chocolates. If you look too hard at it, it looks like shit.

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