Bernie is More Socialist Than You Think
It’s a scary indicator of this day and age that we actually put people in the position to violently rule over mankind without really knowing what their past is. We saw this with the Obama election – if you asked the average joe, dick, or jane who Barack Hussein Obama was pre-2008, unless you were living in Illinois you probably wouldn’t have guessed in a million years this man would be helping to mold the country.
But that’s what happened. In a matter of months, this man went from a virtual nobody to a political rockstar the left was parading around the country like a demigod.
Now we see the same thing happening this election. Now, I know you horrible racists out there, you darned nay-saying conservatives might be thinking, “Well, it’s not like Obama did a real bang-up job. We won’t make that mistake again.” You would be wrong. Obama put us much farther ahead than the mess bush left us in that we’re still struggling to recover. The Titanic wasn’t turned around in a day, bigot. No, we need a new rockstar. We need another savior.
And this time, lets also elect someone who we know nothing about. Lets elect a man who, if you described him to half the country, they wouldn’t pick him based on one word. That’s a brilliant idea.
Now again, you nay-saying republicans out there will be saying, “No. Lets not elect someone who we barely know anything about.” Well, then, if that’s how you feel, let’s read into the past of Bernard Sanders. I will guide you through the life of this scholar – this learned, well meaning man.
Let’s begin, shall we?
Bernie is the longest serving independent senator in United States history. See that, Conservatards? This man is unbiased. He’s altruistic. There’s no possible way he could be against your interest. That “Democratic Socialist” label is a misnomer. You see, he doesn’t actually favor the abolition of private property- you’re misunderstanding it! He’s not a Marxist. Stop it with your lies and misinformation.
I mean, if you’re really ignorant, you might bring up the New York Times report in 1963 that recalls he was a guest of Hashomer Hatzair, a Marxist youth movement founded by Ya’akov Hazan, a professed communist. You paranoid right wingers might also bring up that the leader, Hazan, has made multiple statements praising Joseph Stalin, but Stalin was a good boy- he dindu nuffin!
I know what you’re thinking, “That was a long time ago.” You would be right – the sixties were a decade or two removed from the modern era. I’m sure that talk of joining a pro-stalin group was just a fad- he did it to fit in.
But, Bernie’s not done taking it to the capitalist patriarchy. Oh no. He stated in the 70’s and 80’s that the government should seize private property and private wealth. What a reasonable request. Bernie is so forgiving and progressive. He’s willing to let bygones be bygones with the US government he protested against and let them direct our business lives. How thoughtful.
You know, that same government who he claimed was committing terrorist actions against the “heroic” Sandinista movement in Nicaragua around 1985, should now seize your capital and run your economic activity for you. How could you move on from such a travesty? Well, Bernard makes it work. He’s a real go getter.
Now, you conservatives still believe Bernie’s a socialist? You’re wrong. Bernie has the United State’s best interest at heart. He’s a real patriot, that Bernie. He loves America. That’s why he went in front of a communist group, the US peace council in 1989 and swore an oath to “the triumph of soviet power in the US.” But you know, I’m sure he’s just talking about that awesome flag he had hanging in his office as mayor of Burlington or the fact he honeymooned there during the cold war. I don’t know. Those might have something to do with it.
Well, you racist lolbertarians and rethuglikkkans, are you convinced now? Bernie cares about fixing the economy. He loves this country- stop saying he wants communism. You’re just trying to bring the man down.
Now, lets get down to brass tax. At the end of this all, you have people every day on Facebook saying how fair and reasonable democratic socialism is without even knowing what the definition of socialism is, or Bernie’s involvements in socialist systems. But don’t worry Sandroids if there’s any chance Bernie beats Hillary on Tuesday and manages to get into office – I guarantee you, you’re going to learn the hard way what Democratic socialism is actually like.
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