Hillary Clinton Once Again Falls Prey to the Patriarchy
Hillary Clinton had stood by silently on the stage as the men around her took all of the speaking time. It was bad enough that the Democratic Establishment was clearly privileging the white male, Bernie Sanders, by giving him unfair advantages, but now he was taking it to a new level.
“The only way we can afford to give free college to everyone in America is if women are no longer allowed to go,” Bernie stated with an unearned confidence, the likes of which can only be seen by a male living in a patriarchy. “It won’t be a perfect solution, but if we expand the wage gap to put more money in men’s pockets, they should be able to pay the difference.”
“W-well, I have something to say about that,” Hillary said, timidly.
The room was immediately filled with silence.
“I have been waiting for my turn to speak and haven’t gotten a word in.”
Sanders raised the back of his hand to Hillary. “Excuse me, I’m speaking.”
The audience erupted into a patriarchal applause with an indiscernible mixture of laughter and chimpanzee-like noises coming from the men in the room, who proceeded to rip their shirts off and catcall the women nearest them. The women attempted to call for help by texting the police, but alas, there weren’t enough female-representative emojis for them to complete their desperate pleas.
“Now I’m gonna show you why I only got a D- from the NRA!” Bernie shouted in a testosterone-fueled frenzy, as he pulled an M-60 out from under his podium and began firing it wildly into the air. After shooting 200 rounds without reloading (far more than is needed for hunting), Bernie placed several strips of bacon on the sizzling barrel and proceeded to eat them once they were fried. The display of machismo caused all of the men still in their seats to manspread and point at Hillary.
“Bossy! Bossy! Bossy!” Bernie led the chant against his opponent. As the men microaggressed against the former First Lady, a motorcyclist rode into the convention on his bike, using some unoccupied seats as a ramp to make his jump onto the stage, ending up right next to Bernie. After executing the landing perfectly, the unidentified man revved his engine until all attention was on him.
Once again, the room fell silent. Not so much as a whisper came from anyone, especially not the women. The soft hum of the Harley Davidson filled the room in a moment of extreme suspense, until the mysterious cyclist removed his helmet to reveal himself as Donald Trump.
“Misogynists unite!” Trump shouted as he raised his fist, and the crowd once again erupted into laughter and primal ape noises. “That’s right!” Bernie chimed in. “Donald and I both hate all sex objects, especially women.”
Hillary’s eyes swelled with tears. She had hoped that by the current year women would be accepted and treated as equal to men. In that moment, it was as clear to her as it had ever been that society was a capitalist, white supremacist, cis/heteropatriarchal rape culture. Bernie looked at her as the tears rolled down her cheeks, and with a devious look on his face, he said softly “You should smile more.”