Top 3 Ways to Fight Off Two-Party Zombies This Halloween

by Jim Duncan

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You know who they are. They watch only their prescribed liberal or conservative newscasts, and wear a blue or red t-shirt to cover up their rotting-corpse politics. They stink of long-deceased ideologies, and their ears and eyeballs are falling off from too much “group think.” And as soon as they catch a whiff of your independent political streak, they long to infect you with their two-party sickness.

Halloween isn’t just a time to watch out for the typical flesh-eating zombies. Every four years it also becomes essential to fend off the droves of brainwashed liberals and conservatives who lurch toward you like The Walking Dead. You’ve been in the scenario at your work-place water cooler, trying to have an intelligent discussion about how to make politics better, when one of these zombified supporters of the corrupted two-party establishment shuffles up next to you. Like always, they try to bite you with the standard guilt that a third-party vote isn’t “smart.” They moan, “it’s a wasted vote,” that will put the other two-party candidate into power. And then they try to eat your brain.

Luckily though, we created this list of three arguments to keep yourself from getting infected by two-party propaganda-spewing zombies this fall, and maybe even force that decomposing Republican or Democrat to justify how they are not actually the one “wasting their vote.”

zombies 21) If a third party candidate can win just one state, it might stop Hillary or Trump from taking office.

Granted, maybe the particular zombie you are cornered by truly believes either Trump or Clinton is the best individual to become the most powerful person in the history of the world. In that case, just bash them over the head with a brick and run; they’re a lost cause.

If, however, there is any glimmer of recognition left in their diseased eyes that Trump and Clinton are both extremely flawed leaders, then maybe explain to your smelly friend that there’s still a chance that neither has to win. Since the presidential election is actually determined by the Electoral College, it gives a real opportunity for a candidate who has not won a majority of the popular vote to become president. In fact, it might just take one state (I’m looking at you, Utah).

If neither mainstream presidential candidate receives 270 electoral votes, then the Electoral College is considered “locked,” and no one is immediately declared the winner. If this happens, then the House of Representatives picks the next President from the three highest vote-getters of the electoral vote. Obviously, Hillary and Trump would still be two of these three, but the third would be the highest vote-getter of the other candidates. The House could, of course, still choose either the Republican or Democratic candidate as president, but given how historically unpopular both are, there is probably the greatest chance in American history that the House would choose the third party.

Yes, this is a long shot, but it is an actual possibility. And it potentially only takes one state. So ask that moaning two-party zombie sniffing at you as to why they don’t want their vote potentially matter rather than just supporting the status quo. Maybe your state can go down in history as the one that saved the country from both Hillary and Trump, and launched us into a new error of political accountability?

“But it will never happen,” the zombie will probably moan while clumsily swiping at your throat. “And voting third party will help that liar ____ (fill in Trump or Hillary’s name here depending on whether your zombie has a nose ring or a NASCAR hat) could then win! Every vote counts! Groan. Groan. Don’t waste your vote!”

But just bat that rotting hand away from you, my friend, and hit that half-dead politico with your second point…

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