Maternity Leave Is Not a Sabbatical, It’s Boot Camp

by Lina Bryce

Maternity leave has been the subject of debates before; namely, should companies be forced to provide it? Well, now the issue is coming up again, only this time, thanks to a popular author, the question has become whether or not it’s unfair to afford mothers maternity leave without offering the same paid time off to non-mothers. The book, “Meternity,” argues that all women should benefit from maternity leave so they can have “me” time. I’ve got a news flash for this author: there is no “me” in maternity.

When I quit my job to stay home to raise my child, I did so at the expense of giving up my career I worked so hard in school for, putting off home ownership for nearly a decade, and a bit of my sanity. However, I gained the knowledge that there is no way anyone could understand how challenging and grueling being a full-time mother is until they do it for themselves. It helped me find respect for the mothers I had worked with in the past. It’s a marvel how they managed to balance their responsibilities, while still being there for their kids after their brief maternity leave.

The Author of  “Meternity,” Meghann Foye, defended her belief that all women should benefit from maternity leave, even if they aren’t pregnant in an article published by The New York Post. Many women, like her, have gotten this false impression that maternity leave is the equivalent of taking a sabbatical or a “mental health day” from work. It’s not. As I’ve learned from personal experience, maternity leave marks the beginning of the “You No Longer Come First Boot Camp.” It’s a time to physically and emotionally heal from the trauma – yes, trauma — of squeezing a life from your womb and possibly mending from a C-Section. It’s not merely bonding time with the baby, as most magazines tend to glamorize. It’s not about finding time to “explore your self-doubt.” You’re a mom. It’s done. There is no second-guessing this one. It’s a time to get used to the idea of not sleeping well and working around the clock with feedings and diaper changes while you try to remember to nourish yourself.

But, Foye says you shouldn’t be pregnant in order to get time off because it is something that all women need in order to “shift their focus to the part of their lives that doesn’t revolve around their job.” Her fictional novel highlights this idea with a story about a woman named Liz who’s an editor for a baby magazine. Liz used to love her job until one of the “momsters,” as she calls them, started leaving early and taking credit for her hard work. After feeling burned out and stressed out, she decides that she is going to get some payback by faking a pregnancy to take personal time for herself – a “Meternity” leave. If only maternity leave could be like that.

While the story focuses on a single woman with no children, the author believes that both men and women could benefit from a “meternity.” However, she claims that women need it more because they are bad at putting themselves first and suffer from burnout at a higher rate than men.

“It seemed that parenthood was the only path that provided a modicum of flexibility,” she said. “There’s something about saying ‘I need to go pick up my child’ as a reason to leave the office on time that has far more gravitas than, say, ‘My best friend just ghosted by her OKCupid date and needs a margarita’–but both sides are valid.”

A family emergency is not the equivalent to taking time off to console a friend, and the difference is that someone’s broken heart can wait until happy hour. An ear infection can not.

Foye’s opinion was met with such backlash, she pulled a no-show Friday on “Good Morning America” as a result.

“Meghann was supposed to join us right here live,” said the GMA host,  Amy Robach, “She has just pulled out of the interview. There has been so much backlash about her comments, viewers across the country weighing in on this all night long.”

I don’t think Foye is a terrible human being. She’s falsely attributed women with children as having special perks — as if having children was giving them leverage in their professional life. But, as quoted by Robert Evans, “There are three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth.” Basically, if your career was a priority in your life before having children, it’s not anymore. Personally, I recall feeling envious of coworkers who could just focus on their careers, but that didn’t change the fact that having children was a choice that I had made. And having children doesn’t make me entitled to maternity leave, either, but many employers do offer that as a way to retain employees, which works to benefit both parties.

Motherhood did, however, force me to make a priority shift in my life, and this does not go unnoticed by employers, despite what Foye may be inferring. If moms need that flexibility to leave when a child is sick or because they want to chaperon a class field trip, it is not a benefit that comes without a price. Parents who work risk the chance of being passed-up for promotions or raises in pay, and this isn’t exclusive to just women; fathers take the same risks. It’s a mistake to perceive parents who work as having some blind privilege, an argument many make to deflect from the real issues that keep them from having what they want in life. It’s also a gross oversight to omit the other reason for women experiencing higher burnout rates than men, which is likely attributed to the fact that many mothers who work a full-time jobs are also still the primary caretaker of their children after hours. When someone who does not have children clocks out at work on Friday, they are most likely making plans for themselves that weekend, baring special circumstances. When a woman with children clocks out on Friday, she is most likely outlining the events of the weekend in her head of what soccer field to go to, or an errand to buy a gift for a birthday party a child is attending, and they’re probably already late for somewhere they have to be.

If a woman is burned out, she always has the choice to change jobs or take some time off. In the case of this author, she was able to afford taking leave of her job entirely.

As for me, I did eventually give notice at my job and take a “meternity” of my own. I may not have been changing diapers, but I grappled with self-doubt for the year and a half that I spent away from the corporate world. And I grieved the loss of my dad, who had just died after a long illness. But a “meternity” done right should be challenging. It should be about digging into your whole life and emerging from it more confident in who you are.

I applaud her for making a choice in her life as it was something that she needed to do for herself and that is empowering. Good for her! However, to hijack the term “maternity” to meet those ends or employing a term like “momster” is nothing less than incendiary and works only to pit women against each other.

Watch The “Meternity” Book Trailer Here: