by Kitty Testa
Fully 40% of Americans are finding the current election cycle so stressful that they are vowing to move elsewhere if their chosen candidate doesn’t win the election. With a stubborn dearth of places to move that are actually better than the United States, many are planning to move to virtual countries, such as FarmVille, where they believe their pursuit of happiness will be better achieved.
Janet Klinger, a 50-year-old from Bayonne, NJ says she is planning to move to her Pearl’s Peril island. “I have a villa, a café, a hotel, an observatory, and a library on my island,” said the retired biology teacher. “And I’m hoping if I earn enough prestige that there is an option to buy a new family, because my real family disowned me when they found out I was voting for Hillary Clinton.”
Paul Barnes, a recent medical school graduate from the University of Chicago, also says his life has been turned upside down from the election. “I was engaged to a pre-med sophomore,” he told The Libertarian Republic. “We were planning to open our own pediatrics practice. Then she started hanging with a horde of Bernie supporters. I was busy doing my residency, so I didn’t have time to get radicalized. She dropped out and said she would return to school after it was tuition-free. Anyway, she dumped me when she found out I was voting for Trump. I’m not anti-anybody,” he insisted. “I just don’t like Obamacare.” When asked where he is planning to move after the election, he said he was interested in returning to World of Warcraft. “I grew up playing WOW,” he explained. “It helped me get over my angst. There’s a real catharsis in slaying dwarves.”
Alicia Arden, an unemployed former call center operator from Denver who is stuck on Candy Crush Saga level 1279 says she’s thinking of taking up permanent residence in the colorful puzzle game. “It’s how life really should be,” she said. “When you make all the right moves you get to move up. You get a special prize every day, and sometimes you get treasure chests of prizes. I really feel like I accomplish something in the game, and it stops me from fantasizing about traveling to India to assassinate the people who stole my job.”
John Burdicki, a retired postal worker from Huntsville, AL, moved to Second Life after the 2008 election. “Who’s running for president?” he asked in an interview via avatar. “Donald Trump? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” When asked if he’s seen an increase in the Second Life population during the election cycle, he stated, “Back in June there seemed to be an influx of new residents, but they wanted everything for free, so they moved out quick enough.”
Fr. Bart Buchanan is a Roman Catholic Priest from Ireland who ministers to the residents of Second Life. “If you want to save souls, you have to go where the people live,” he said. “Already, our new parishioners have helped me construct a virtual church and I’m saying mass daily,” he hopefully stated. “I feel like a missionary in the New World. I just can’t seem to solve the communion problem, but I’ve written to Pope Francis to see if he has any ideas.”
Given the wide range of virtual country choices, it will be interesting to see where most Americans who are dissatisfied with the election results will end up taking residence.