The Inauguration That Never Was


By Brendon Berger

Is everybody ready for the era of the hair? It’s inauguration season and that means the times they are a’changing. Some of our friends in DC are ruefully shaking their heads as they pack their hammers and sickles away into storage. Others are giddily finding places to display their rods and axes. As a Libertarian this is part of a ritual in disappointment which we go through every four years.  But no more friends!

No this year I strike back, this year I channel Jean-Luc Picard, THIS YEAR…I make something up. Yes, since I have little prospect of satisfaction from reality I’ve decided to ignore it.  Here follows the (condensed) inauguration day speech of my ideal hypothetical President-elect X (whose name may or may not sound like Paustin Eterson…)


“My fellow Americans, and friends of Liberty everywhere…I stand before you today humbled, honored, and eager. I stand before you today as the first President of the United States of America in many many years to be elected not through the efforts of a major political party but solely through the hard work and ingenuity of my fellow citizens and their very real love of our great Constitution!”

(wild applause, Ron Paul wipes away a tear)

“I know many of you around the country, and around the world, are asking yourselves: what will this new kind of presidency look like? To that I’d first like to say, that it won’t be a new kind of presidency. In fact, it will be a very OLD kind of presidency. The kind envisioned when the Framers of our Republic laid out a vision for what this country should be…and what it could be. A presidency defined by reverence for our Constitution and an understanding of it’s true role. A presidency wherein the executive respects the prerogatives and duties of the Congress and our Courts. A presidency where pens sit idle and phones unused until their proper time…!”

“…It has become the custom of my predecessors to use this day to detail their vision for the next four years. This is the time when an incoming president makes his promises, and almost inevitably they fall by the wayside with the passage of time. I am not here today to do that. Instead, I am here today to reward the enormous mark of trust my fellow citizens have given me with simple candor. Neither I, nor any other president, can solve all of the challenges facing our country during one term or even two. But here is what I WILL do….I will work with Congress in an effort to pass a balanced national budget each and every year I am in office…”

“…Make no mistake, this process will be difficult.  For too long we have encouraged a system wherein our elected officials have been allowed to neglect this most crucial duty.  For too long we’ve settled for an endless game of kicking the can further and further down the road. Our nation is nearly TWENTY TRILLION dollars in debt…that’s twenty followed by twelve zeroes. As I said before, this is not a problem that will be solved during this term, or the next, maybe not even the next twenty. But we can begin the process now. We can pull the country out of it’s financial death spiral, if only we have the will to act. Again, this process won’t be easy…and will not always be comfortable.  Many of us will have to re-learn how to do for ourselves, things we have been content to allow the government to do for us. And while this created the illusion of greater ease, it is a lie we can no longer afford to tell ourselves…”

“…There are those who have expressed concern about my views on the challenges America faces overseas and across our borders. They say I’m an isolationist…that I am content to simply stand aside and watch the world burn. This is not only unfair, it is simply untrue. To our men and women in uniform I say this, and will keep saying it until the day I leave office; I honor your service. I honor it enough to tell you this: I will not continue the practice of sending you into harm’s way in the name of nation building. Or under the fallacious idea that democratic government can be exported via the barrel of a gun…”

“…And to my fellow Americans simply trying to make the last paycheck stretch until the next…I want you to know that I see you. I see you, I hear you, and you will no longer be ignored.  History has been a patient teacher. Time and time again it has shown us that prosperity cannot be legislated into existence. I believe it is time that America listens and learns. What do I plan to do for the average American looking to get ahead? I’ll tell you what I plan to do, I plan to step aside. I plan to get out of the way and to allow the unmatched genius and ingenuity of America to drive our country to new and unparalleled heights of prosperity. And I intend to make darn sure that the federal government steps out of the way with me!…”

“…And so, my fellow Americans, we stand today at a historic moment in our country’s history. I realize these words are spoken ad nauseum, but this time I think it’s apt. Today we usher in a new chapter in the story of America. An era where everyone regardless of their history, race, gender, or faith, who is willing to work to the best of their ability, is welcome to share in the bounty of our great nation. A time when we return to the core principles that made and can continue to make our Republic great. Thank you and may God bless you and may God bless these United States of America!”


Well…..a guy can dream can’t he?



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