Evil Bitches Attack Woody Allen, Stephen King Weighs In, Gets Bitchslapped

by Austin Petersen

Army of Palpable Bitchery Worse Than Annie Wilkes Descends On King

Poor Stephen King used the wrong words when he criticized the unconfirmed allegations of sexual assault by filmmaker Woody Allen. King tweeted about the allegations against Allen saying:

“Boy, I’m stumped on that one. I don’t like to think it’s true, and there’s an element of palpable bitchery there, but…”

And with that one comment Mr. King summoned forth the evil bitches from the Internet more powerful, more evil than anything he ever cooked up in that fevered brain. Faced with beasts more powerful than Tak, King proved himself no gunslinger with a whiny apology saying:

King was faced with attacks from the usual Internet denizens who thrive on false accusations and bias. Jennifer Pozner, who is a self-professed “media-critic” and “Anti-racist feminist” (see: PC police), weighed in saying:

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 10.37.04 AM

Down Cujo!

Luckily some regulators rode in to save King with an honest comment on the controversy saying:

Thankee-Sai Sarah. Long days and pleasant nights to you for your honesty.

Woody Allen is innocent until proven guilty of course. But that won’t stop the evil bitches of the Internet, for whom every accusation is the same as a conviction. Their entire vampiric existence is a drain on society worse than Kurt Barlow. After all, without fresh sacrificial blood of men to feed on, what else would they discuss in their women’s studies classes? Maybe we’re just lucky that they haven’t cut off his feet?

Woody Allen’s lawyer issued a frank explanation for why he thinks that the accusations of sexual assault are false, and they ring true to those who know that children can often have ideas implanted in their heads, and then those accusations are used by (evil bitches) to gain custody of children. Such as this case where a man is rotting in jail, despite his daughter admitting she lied about being assaulted. 

Still, it doesn’t matter. The evil bitches of the Internet will believe any accusation heard anywhere, and destroy any man’s life on a whim. And unfortunately they won’t go away, even if you close your eyes and say: “He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.”


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Austin Petersen is a homegrown Missourian with a lifelong passion for liberty. He grew up on a horse farm in Peculiar, Missouri and went on to attend Missouri State University, graduating with a degree in the Fine Arts. After developing a career in media in both New York City and Washington, D.C., he returned to Kansas City, MO, the city he now calls home. In 2016, Petersen appeared on the national stage as a candidate for president of the United States. He took second place in the crowded Libertarian primary behind Governor Gary Johnson and ahead of cyber security maverick John McAfee. During his campaign, Petersen earned many high-profile conservative endorsements, including Mary Matalin, Erick Erickson and Leon Wolf of RedState.com. Petersen also brings decades of professional experience in a wide variety of fields, from content production and media to business and political activism. He is the owner and chief executive of Stonegait LLC, a consulting firm specializing in photo and video services. He was also the director of production at FreedomWorks and an associate producer for Judge Andrew Napolitano’s show “Freedom Watch” on the Fox Business Network. Additionally, Petersen has a national following as a commentator and professional pundit. He is the founder of The Libertarian Republic, a powerful online news source for the public that receives an average of 1 million unique visits monthly and whose podcast, The Freedom Report, receives an average of one million monthly downloads. He is also a frequent contributor on television, appearing on Fox News, Fox Business, CNN, MSNBC and on dozens of local radio shows.

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