Good day again, dear liber-publicans…re-tarians? Libre-cons? No, that just sounds like French Transformers. Well whoever you are, it’s nice to have you on board the freedom train. On this journey we will be checking in with some of the 842 presidential candidates, but first a little international democracy, real and imagined.
Last week the embarrassingly unqualified commie Prime Minister of Greece, Alex Tsipras, called a plebiscite so as to push responsibility for agreeing to the punishing terms of a new bailout onto his people, and avoid admitting that he is a fraud and a failure. To exactly no one’s surprise (except apparently Tsipras), the Greeks rejected the terms of the bailout overwhelmingly and effectively voted to do the best bad thing they could, leave the Euro so they can continue to shoot themselves in the foot without the Germans nattering them about it. Tsipras responded as any victor would, he fired his finance director Yanis Varoufakis who was likely responsible for the whole cleverly stupid idea.
Speaking of cleverly stupid, the Chinese effort to merge central planning and free market capitalism is going predictably. This week the Chinese stock market has fallen 8% and trading has been halted to prevent a complete 1914 meltdown. I think the Communist Central Committee is about to find out what happens when a previously prosperous middle class finds out they can no longer afford “Frozen” DVDs and Pizza Hut.
Back in the good ol’ USA, the primaries are in full lurch. I have long since thrown on my fuzzy slippers, made some popcorn and settled in for the spectacle. As a sign of just how absurd the Democratic left has become, Bernie Sanders is still a thing. Keep in mind that the Dems do this every time, they flirt with a complete socialist nutjob who wouldn’t know an economics textbook from Das Kapital before settling down and nominating a different complete socialist nutjob who wouldn’t know an economics textbook from Das Kapital.
Sanders has promised to raise taxes as his unwashed, unshaven baby boomer, still-trying-to-find-themselves faithful cheered. He then came out strongly in favor of gun rights which the same patchouli-sodden true believers ignored because (fingers in ears) MARY-HAD-A-LITTLE-LAMB-LITTLE-LAMB-LITTLE-LAMB-NAH-NAH-NAH-I-CANT-HEAR-YOU!!!!!!
Bobby Jindal recently jumped in the presidential race by releasing a creepy, big brother surveillance video feed of his wife and him discussing the race with their unsuspecting children. It left every political operative and the Jindal children scratching their heads in bewilderment.
Speaking of confusing videos, Rick Perry found his inner Ralph Bakshi last week when he released a cartoon campaign fundraising ad with the narrative power of an Al Gore autobiography and the pacing of “Charlie Brown’s Christmas” on Quaaludes. Luckily for Perry, no one seems to have noticed.
When will these candidates learn that it is the mediums that change with time and technology, not the fundamentals of marketing? Jindal and Perry tried to re-invent the wheel and ended up with square wheels.
Speaking of which, Team Paul has received some friendly fire over the last few days for seemingly learning that lesson too well. They have used the tried and tested strategy of fear, panic and trepidation in email subject lines so much lately that memes with pictures of Goths and phrases like “I was happy before Rand Paul’s emails” have begun to appear on Facebook. We’re all still waiting for a little of the “Shining City on the Hill” stuff, senator. Lately, I don’t know whether to cut you a check or just start cutting.
Rand Paul also released what should have been a powerful broadside on the status quo when he used the pages of Time magazine to call for an end of all marriage licenses, a long cherished libertarian idea. Unfortunately it was wrapped it in so much mealy-mouthed, calculated contextualization that no one seemed to know what the hell he was talking about. As I told one fellow traveler, “The fourteenth paragraph is great!”
Finally this week I should say something about Donald Trump…and now I have. Via con Dios, mis amigos de la liberdad!
