By Caleb Coggeshall
Every once in a great while, Hollywood comes out with a movie that is brilliant and that the general movie-going audience loves. But most of the time they shuck out duds that they try to disguise as thought-provoking and exciting. This is certainly not a comprehensive list, but these are seven fairly recent motion pictures that fit into this niche. (Possible spoilers ahead).
1. Maleficent (2014)
Nobody wants to know the backstory of a villain (especially a Disney villain) in this much detail. Don’t make more out of a character than they really are. Origin stories are rarely needed—or interesting.
The film centers around our title character and how she became such a nasty person. You see, Maleficent is not evil, she’s misunderstood. She has her wings cut off by a pig-headed boy (who was supposed to kill her), so that gives her every excuse to make everyone as miserable as she is. One major problem is that we don’t know how we’re supposed to feel about Maleficent: should we empathize with her, or ostracize her as the cold hearted fairy she is? In a movie aimed at primarily young people, our attitude towards the villain needs to be clear, cut and dry. Not muddled.
On top of all that, the story plays out as it’s supposed to (for the most part). Most of us are familiar with Sleeping Beauty, so there are really no surprises or revelations along the way. This film is basically Sleeping Beauty with a forty-five minute prologue.
2. The Visit (2015)
M. Night Shyamalan, the man who (fifteen or so years ago) was supposed to be the Hitchcock of our generation, decided to make his “comeback” in the form of a found footage film. Way to alienate the majority of the people who have been sick of this method of movie making for years.
The first problem is that this flick doesn’t need to be a found footage movie. There is absolutely no reason for it other than a marketing gimmick. Actually, it may have been a little more palatable as a traditional creepy movie. Problem number two is that this has opening credits. I’m pretty sure you don’t make a found footage movie with opening credits, as it kind of shatters the intended effect. And the third problem is that it is aimed at a younger, teenage audience.
Years ago, M. Night Shyamalan made his movies for the general public, young and old alike.
3. Avatar (2009)
Come on! You know this one deserves to be on this list! It’s a CGI feast for the eyes that’s basically Dances with Wolves and Pocahontas in space. All glitter and no substance. Stop trying to give us familiar stories in new, shiny packaging and telling us how awesome it is.
In the future space explorers come upon the beautiful, unstained world of Pandora inhabited by the Na’vi. After they land the begin to mine for gold —er, I mean, unobtanium (yes that word is really used in the movie) under the supervision of a greedy, corporate monster. So Lieutenant John Dunbar — no I mean Captain John Smith — no wait — Colonel Jake Sully explores the land through his avatar (as he is paralyzed in real life) and meets Neytiri. The two hit it off and Neytiri shows Jake how to commune with nature, hunt, and ride some sort of dragon.
So of course, the conquerors eventually think the Na’vi are a bunch of savages and decide to rip up their precious Pandora. Jake Sully vehemently disagrees with them and decides to join ranks with the natives. (Do I really need to keep going)? Chaos and battle ensues, lives are lost (none that we care about), the Na’vi end up triumphant and the vicious invaders are thrown in shackles so they can think about what they’ve done.
And now we’re supposedly getting more Avatar movies. Wonderful…
4. Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016)
The unbelievably lazy title alone should be reason enough to skip this flick, but the whole fratboy/manchild type of film is overdone and, quite frankly, annoying.
Mike and Dave are two delinquent brothers who manage to ruin family get-togethers. Their sister plans to get married, so they’re family wants the two brothers to bring some respectable dates to the wedding. The find two girls, Tatiana and Alice, to bring along and wackiness ensues. The girls turn out to be just as boorish as the two brothers.
The four main characters just seem to be wacky people that do really wacky things. It’s almost as if the filmmakers just took the broadest strokes of these characters, hoping they could get an audience just off of that. There is raunch — and apparently there is a law that says all R-rated movies MUST have raunchy scenes — but few actual jokes.
5. Fantastic Four (2015)
Since the first one wasn’t already bad enough, we get a reboot that ends up being worse than the awful version that came out in 2005. Perhaps rebooting poor movies isn’t a good idea.
It seems as if everything was wrong with this movie: the characters, the story, the CGI and the pacing. They have young, popular actors on the screen, but that alone cannot save this mess. Our heroes don’t play off of each other very well and the film is totally humorless. The pacing is very slow and the whole film seems to drag rather than progress. Comic book movies are supposed to be fun. This was not fun.
One could probably write an entire article on the CGI alone: it was abysmal. It looks like the film was in post production for only two weeks before wrapping up and releasing. Even the director, Josh Trank, thinks the movie is no good
6. The Three Musketeers (2011)
No, the original story is certainly not bad. After a handful of ho-hum versions of this grand tale, Hollywood decided that audiences needed a Matrix-esque version of the beloved classic. Can we please stop turning classic stories and fairy tales into mindless action movies? It’s more than apparent that the ingredients don’t mix at all.
Airships and 3D format should never be associated with “The Three Musketeers.” This feature is trying to be a spectacle, rather than telling a good story. Lady de Winter in this movie is basically Milla Jovovich in all her other movies: an awesome female character who can jump, twirl, swordfight and flip. Seriously, all the the people in this movie are cartoon characters that belong in an episode of “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.” It’s all cringe-worthy, and the horror comes from good actors as well! The cast includes Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Luke Evans, and Matthew Macfadyen. All of these people should have been solid gold in a rendition of this story, but alas, ’twas not meant be.
7. Most Scary Films “Based on a True Story”
Remember when horror movies were fresh, fun and exciting? They didn’t rely on the aid of an overused gimmick. The “based on a true story” tagline is not only a desperate cry for attention, but most of these flicks turn out to be dull wastes of time.
Fake jump scares, tepid storyline and a horrible CGI ghost. These are things in a horror movie we hate most. Nine times out of ten, a frightful flick claims “to be based on true events,” however these tales are far from true.
Yet, it seems Hollywood is going to keep cranking out crap movies like Paranormal Activity. At this point, it feels more like they’re tricking people into buying tickets than actually trying to create good movies. Oh, Hollywood, enough already. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.