By Milton Friedman’s Rowdy Millennial Spirit Animal, R. Brownell
1. The Ron Swanson
aka “Don’t teach a man to fish, you go fish instead and feed yourself”
The ultimate independent, rough and tumble individual. Have a problem with your car? You fix it, mechanics cost money and its your car, you should know how to fix your own stuff, or why do you even own it? Bored at home? Go finish all the tasks you need to get done instead of sitting down and going blank in front of a TV screen!
The “Ron Swanson” gets things done and doesn’t ask for help for things he can do for himself. After all, life’s not that hard, it’s just high time to stop making excuses and go hunt your next meal…or settle for going grocery shopping and making your meal yourself! Even if you find yourself in a lapse in time and have absolutely nothing going on, maybe you can share your knowledge with small doses of manly wisdom like “…clear alcohol are for rich women on diets” and “never half ass two things. Whole ass one thing”.
2. The Activist
aka “picketing injustice till the day I die!”
You’re the person bugging your friends on Facebook to sign petitions, you’re the grand master of picket signs, the nomad who will travel coast to coast for a rally.
A job or career? simply a way to pass time and get money for gas and food, you’re a freedom fighting revolutionary and not afraid to put your views out there for the world to see. You are willing to do what needs to be done to get attention…
in any weather or condition, you will carry on to get your message heard no matter what!
even when it’s just you in the crowd, you realize that if you aren’t raging against the machine, no one will, even if your cause is absolutely stupid, chive on I guess…
3. The Pot Head
aka “Yah politics…economics…stuff I guess”
Want to know a way to fix the economy? Legalize weed…
Want a fix police and government corruption? Legalize weed…
Want to fix the immigration issue? Legalize weed…
Cure baldness? Better sex life? Have diabetes? want to lose weight? You guessed it! Legalize weed…
We all know that one guy that came to the libertarian club you had in college because someone told him somewhere down the road that libertarians were simply Republicans with bongs. Whether or not this dude cares about any major issue is beside the point. You know this guy is gonna be honest about his intentions if you straight up ask because after all, he’s probably high to begin with by the time you’ve convinced him to come meet your libertarian friends in the first place, what does he have to prove?
4. The Angry Blogger
aka “if I don’t blog, I will stop the motor of the world”
The internet is an amazing tool. Ideas can reach individuals at a scale and in a way no one could have ever imagined in mankind.
Sadly, just like internet trolls and malware pop up ads with Russian mail order brides, something, someone, is literally out there literally spending inhuman amounts of time writing, ranting, and breaking the keys on his keyboard since he hasn’t let up since he first turned on his computer.
This is the dude that has a comment, literally about EVERYTHING. This ego maniac won’t stop or even take a break until the world knows about everything they have to say, since somebody somewhere must have the time on their hands to really care about what whiny, pessimist, cynics who have nothing really to contribute to the world have to say. Get out of the online comment forums and go make a real friend already!!! Your opinions about why everything is terrible can wait like…forever!
5. The Faker
aka “what has anyone ever done for me!?!?!?”
Some people just want to be jerks. That is perfectly ok, but no one likes hypocrites. In every town across America, there is that one dude always willing to criticize those less fortunate than him and never willing to help their neighbor. Let this person tell you how “he owes no one anything!” as you look into their eyes and see the giant pool of public schooled, federal aid granted, business subsidized, social security receiving load of lies they really are. Not everyone hates a jerk, but everyone hates a hypocrite who spouts ideology one second about free markets and then goes and demands the government give him more free stuff.
6. The Libertarian Feminists
aka “how dare you draw one giant generalization of feminists!”
Out of fear for my own life and unwillingness to deal with the onslaught of comments, emails, and obscenities from this special class of libertarians, here is a cat video to help you pass the time that it would have taken you to complete reading this section if it had actually been written in the first place. Can’t win all the time right?
