#1. Homophobic bakers turned me off to private property.
I believe it’s self-evident, just like in the Declaration of Independence, that everyone has the right to have their cake and eat it too. Libertarians are such extremists when it comes to private property, that they want to give homophobes and racists the right to be homophobic and racist on their own property. Liberals know there are only some behaviors that shouldn’t be allowed on private property. (Generally speaking, a liberal’s private property is much more in line with actual justice, so no one should interfere there.)
#2. I now think good ideas should be mandatory.
This also seems like a self-evident idea, but I’ll spell it out for all the Paultards out there: in the free market people will make awful, terrible choices with their freedom. We have to stop that. There are better ways to organize the economy and that sometimes means making good ideas mandatory. Even if very few people actually think these are good ideas, they are. Democracy is the best way to make good but unpopular ideas viable.
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#3. I was a liberal arts major.
Enough said.
#4. Responsibility isn’t really my thing.
The first time I went to a libertarian party meeting it was because I got high with a libertarian and had nothing better to do. I really liked how they said everyone should be able to do whatever they want. But after a few meetings I realized that everyone there expected me to go out, get a job, and stop collecting government handouts. That’s really hard, man.
#5. Ron Paul wrote some awful newsletters.
Ron Paul is extremely racist and wrote some newsletters that Rachel Maddow told me about and he was very mean to black people. It turns out that anyone who supports him is now automatically enabling racism. That’s about as low as you can get without being racist and is probably actually more racist.
#6. I have an irrational fear of guns.
I have no idea how libertarians can be such psychotic second amendment worshippers. People are getting killed every day and they don’t seem to care. This was another part of the libertarian party meetings that shocked me: some people open carried their weapons! I had to get out of there before it turned into a massacre.
#7. I really don’t prefer a paleo diet.
I’m not a vegetarian or anything, but what the hell is wrong with these people? They eat two pounds of bacon for breakfast, call it health food, and chase it down with buttered coffee. Buttered coffee! Their digestive tracts are like dairy farm slaughterhouses. Stop eating all that meat and cheese. You are going to die. No one should eat as much bacon as libertarians do. Eat an apple every once in a while; there is no such thing as freedom from a coronary.