#1. Whopper Cologne
Since eating a Whopper isn’t horrible enough, now you can smell like it! This byproduct of beautiful capitalism is only available in Japan – which isn’t surprising to say the least.
#2. Mood rings
I thought this phenomena died with the phone booth. Apparently I was wrong. Now you can even get a mood ring in 14kt gold. Do they reflect your mood? Not in the least bit. Do they randomly change colors and make someone millions? Totally.
#3. Pet rock
In today’s market, the pet rock is considered a gag gift. It was originally invented with the intention of being an easy pet – noise-free, never hungry, and doesn’t poop everywhere. The “inventor” made out like a bandit. Production costs are low for obvious reasons, so the profit margin is most likely astronomical.
#4. Crocs
If you wear this, then good for you. However, you still look ridiculous and I don’t care how comfortable they are. Colors range from bright orange or camo to animated characters, but there is no color combo for your dignity. Crocs have expanded way faster than I would have thought. I guess beauty doesn’t come before pain.
Only a capitalist could put lipstick on a pig and call it crocs. Well played, capitalism…well played.
#5. Mayonnaise Selfies
Barack Obama uses a stick. Girls use bathroom mirrors. Capitalists use mayo and 3D printers.
What do all three have in common? Selfies, of course. Thanks to the folks at Hellmann’s you can now 3D print (for lack of a better word) mayo right on to your burger…and it’ll look just like you!
#6. Funnel Cake Bacon Cheeseburger
I really felt it necessary to include some insanely fattening food that is equally delicious as it is likely to cause cardiac arrest. What better place to start than a cheeseburger? Truly a symbol of market freedom, the versatility of the cheeseburger seems never ending. Just went I thought I have seen it all, someone had to go ahead and slap a burger between two funnel cakes.
If you signed up for ObamaCare, I highly recommend avoiding this thing. Capitalism usually doesn’t kill, except for this time.
#7. Meatball Gumballs
I can’t even fathom eating (or whatever you do) meatball gum. It sounds like a combination of juicy and chewy mixed with herbs and spices. Would it kill you? Probably not. Would you want to die after? Probably. Did someone make lots of money? Yes.
#8. Louis Vuitton Waffle Maker
I’m no fashionista, but I love waffles. In fact, someone thought I love waffles so much, they decided to put Louis Vuitton symbols on my waffles. Capitalism makes me feel like royalty and I love it.
#9. Underwear that hides farts
No one likes to hold in a fart, but then what are you going to do on an elevator full of big wigs? Even the market knows that this is a daily struggle for millions of people. Luckily for you, they have a solution: Underwear that hides your fart smells.
Don’t wear them all the time, though…sometimes you need a good rip.
#10. The dimple maker
In capitalist America, we recognize that people have a weird fetish for looking amazing. Want bigger tits? A smaller nose? A tighter face? No problem! Yet, we always one-up ourselves because that’s what capitalism and freedom are about. If you have a desperate desire for dimples (#alliteration), you can have that too!
Someone literally spent hours of their time…inventing a machine…that gives you dimples without surgery. I’m smilin’ just thinkin’ about it.
