By: Laura Meyers
The problem with progressives having mouths is that sometimes they open. And when they do, they blame you and everyone else for the amount of CO2 inside of it. They want you to ride your bike to work, shut down your factory, and stop eating beef so the cows will stop pooping big CO2 bubbles; all in an effort to combat the war of the worlds- climate change. Here are 7 of the craziest things progressives say are or will be the result of climate change:
1. HIV/AIDS
An article published by Yale’s college newspaper suggests that global warming increases the number of people affected by HIV/AIDS, and those affected may see major changes in the intensity of the virus. This is what people pay $45,800 a year to learn. We never said “prestigious” meant “smart.”
2. Sex slavery and prostitution
In 2013, House democrats passed a resolution that said the failure to halt global warming could force more poor women in sex slavery and/or prostitution. The bill talked said that global warming would cause more droughts, reduce agricultural productivity and increase food insecurity, disproportionately affecting women in Third World countries. So, obviously, if you oppose the resolution, you are the most bigoted woman-hater ever… don’t even think about it.
3. Cannibalism
Now this claim is totally legit because the founder of CNN said it, right? They’re the only unbiased news station, right? It’s what they play in the gym, anyways.
A few years ago, Ted ‘The Mustache” Turner, had an interview with PBS’s Charlie Rose to discuss his $1 billion donation to United Nations programs, economics, and the environment. In the interview Turner said that the increase in temperature across the globe will lead to mass famine, and death like “Somalia or Sudan,” and that the only ones to survive will be cannibals.
4. The Missing Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370
Our good ‘ol, reliable friends at Mother Jones made a claim that the reason we could find the missing Malaysian flight MH370 was because of man-made currents in the ocean. I blame the Koch Brothers.
5. Inflated beer prices
In 2008, the Associated Press published a piece that said beer prices were “likely to rise in coming decades because climate change will hamper the production of a key grain needed for the brew.” It even talked about how some pubs wouldn’t be able to sell beer anymore… period. This is how the world ends, I know it. What’s an apocalypse without booze?
6. Syrian civil war
Francesco Femia, co-founder of the Center for Climate and Security says that the Syrian conflict was preceded by the “worst long-term drought and most severe set of crop failures since agricultural civilizations began in the Fertile Crescent,” which caused the outbreak of violence. He says famine and drought, caused mass migrations into Syria, sparked a massive conflict. With these kinds of people, sometimes it’s best to just nod your head and smile.
7. Fat people
Gotta love Huff Post. In 2013, they wrote a borderline satirical article that began with:
“We’re downing the Big Gulp. A supersize jolt of 400 parts per million of CO2 is carbonating the atmosphere and fizzing toward climate chaos.”
The article references to a study that says higher CO2 emissions in the atmosphere can be linked to obesity, because “CO2 appears to make our blood more acidic, which influences our brain to want to eat more.” So that’s my problem. This time I blame Monsanto.