The Conservative Case For Trigger Warnings

[TRIGGER WARNING: Racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, classism, violence, ableism, transphobia, cissexism, cisphobia, cis privilege, heteronormativity, heterosexism, ageism, swearing, rape, kyriarchy, patriarchy, matriarchy, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, kidnapping, pedophilia, pedophobia, self-harming, anorexia, binge eating, bulimia, fat shaming, thin privilege, smallfat privilege, drug abuse, overmedication, suicide, guns, Holocaust denial, Holocaust discussion, hunting, BDSM shaming, genderqueer shaming, genderf—k shaming, otherkin shaming, incest, neuroatypical shaming, creep shaming, sex positive shaming, sex negative shaming, slurs, trans* degendering, discussions of sex, death, pregnancy, blood, scarification, intrusive thoughts, trypophobia, alcoholism, bestiality, bullying, cyber bullying, death penalty, forced captivity, prostitution, smoking, terrorism, weapons, venustraphobia, anthropophobia, aphephobia, autodysomophobia, deipnophobia, nomophobia, soteriophobia, gamophobia, syngenesophobia, ecclesiophobia, ornithophobia, lutraphobia, equinophobia, zemmiphobia, aerophobia, pteridophobia, anthophobia, ancraophobia, heliphobia, auroraphobia, chionophobia, spectrophobia, athazagoraphobia, gelothophobia, selenophobia, asymmetriphobia, aurophobia, ereuthophobia, genuphobia, automatonophobia, atephobia, aulophobia, dextrophobia, linonophobia, papyrophobia, domatophobia, tachophobia, xerophobia, arithmophobia (CODE RED), bathophobia, cainophobia (CODE RED), macrophobia, hagiophobia (CODE RED), sophophobia (CODE RED), barophobia, rhabdophobia (CODE RED), symbolophobia (CODE RED), chronophobia, mnenophobia, philosophobia (CODE RED), ablutophobia, amaxophobia, agyrophobia, did you seriously get this far, chorophobia, ergophobia, kyphophobia, mageirocophobia, scriptophobia, sitophobia, basiphobia, cathisophobia, Bolshephobia, Apotemnophobia, Walloonphobia, Parthenophobia, ephebiphobia, Dutchphobia, Belgiaphobia, Heterophobia, Hoplophobia, Iatrophobia, albuminurophobia, aeronausiphobia, amychophobia, ankylophobia, trypanophobia, hemophobia, BDD, ataxiophobia, injury phobia, syphilophobia, wow I guess you did, chemophobia, rhypophobia, allodoxaphobia (CODE RED), porphyrophobia, arachibutyrophobia, blennophobia, cardiophobia, coprastasophobia, didaskaleinophobia (CODE RED), nomatophobia, lipophobia, hormephobia, sesquipedalophobia (CODE RED), phobophobia, hellenologophobia (CODE RED),I guess massive lists of potentially upsetting topics placed at the start of articles really wouldn’t have a chilling effect on your reading preferences, cymophobia, optophobia, transdinistrophobia, Bostonaphobia, phobia denialism because all of these are real, devaluation of lived experiences, mansplaining, whitesplaining, straightsplaining, –splaining suffixes, sarcasm, all work and no play makes jack a dull boy, irony, trolling, false advertising, clickbait, short articles, who am I even talking to, screaming into the void, existential terror, okay let’s put some real ones at the end so people will have to work to spot this, speciesism, prejudice, twentytwentyism, nationalism, Islamophobia, Christophobia, anti-Semitism, anti-Dentism, privilege denial, hate speech, hate crimes, elitism]

There is no conservative case for trigger warnings. Sorry, Tumblr.

However, if you think this particular article is funny, consider the following: Minus the obvious easter eggs placed throughout the above list of trigger warnings to see if people were still reading, this article is theoretically apologizing for allowing people to read content that would be upsetting to anyone suffering from (or victimized by) any of the phobias listed above, especially the ones marked with a “CODE RED.”

In other words, the above list is, minus a few jokes, a completely accurate list of trigger warnings for anyone reading this article. That means that anytime someone questions trigger warnings, if trigger warning proponents get their way, you’ll have to put a 300 word block of text before any criticism of the practice.

Oh, sorry, TRIGGER WARNING: Totalitarianism.