Irony: Feminists Harass Men To Close Their Legs


“Manspreading” by Gothamist

Screen Shot 2014-12-18 at 2.35.35 PMHow do you think a feminist would react if men went on a campaign to tell women they should keep their legs closed? They’d probably be angry right? Well, in a twist of irony, here we have a new feminist campaign telling men to keep their legs closed when they sit down on the subway.

From the Gothamist:

Knowingly or not, you have seen the phenomenon of “manspreading” in nature. You’ve probably been its unwitting victim. The slow (or rapid) creep of a knee into your own by a guy (indeed, it is always a guy) taking up more than his fair share of real estate on public transit. I’m not talking about the equally obnoxious habit of placing a bag on the seat beside you. This is different. This is specific.

Left unchecked, the scourge of “manspreading” will proliferate like algae, if algae got up in the morning, put on khakis and edged out its knees until it took up two, sometimes three subway seats. Our own Jake Dobkin has done his best to educate the nation’s NPR listeners on the ills of the manspread, but we knew there was more to be done. We had to go into the belly of the beast, to try to connect with the perpetrators on a human level. It was…awkward.

Everyone we spoke with was very cordial, and no one used the term “ball sack,” which was a welcome surprise. Many manspreaders were promptly contrite; others explained that they were happy to rein it in if anyone wanted to sit down. No one screamed or kicked or spread wider in defiance.

Of course no one kicked or spread wider in defiance, because that would be tantamount to rape, right?

Men have ballsacks, ladies. Big, hairy ballsacks. And there really isn’t much you can do about that. When we sit down, our testicles and penis need space to breathe, that’s why we keep our legs open. As a matter of fact, it would be kind of ladies to offer their seats to men with bigger, heavier balls out of courtesy, don’t you agree?

The MTA is planning a campaign to raise awareness about mass transit etiquette, but we still have a long way to go. The next time you get on the train, look down at your own knees—how far apart are they? If there’s space enough for a litter of puppies or a celebrity selfie group shot, you are taking up too much space. Pull it in. Don’t make us find you.

One of the biggest feminist campaigns lately has been the “free the nipple” campaigns, where women are campaigning for the right to have their breasts bared in public. This is a very libertarian campaign, and it’s one The Libertarian Republic supports. No woman should be jailed or fined simply for breast feeding in public or for simply being topless.

Similarly, no man should be shamed in public, simply for having enormous testicles. In fact, we should make it legal for men to wave their big, hairy balls out in public. That would also help the anti-manspreaders to understand why we men sit with our legs open. If a man clearly has large testicles, it should be something like the opposite of having a disability, and we need to accommodate that. Don’t you agree?

No? Then please anti-manspreaders, do us all a favor. Close your mouths.

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