Contenders Have Much in Common With Legendary Wrestlers
Recently, America’s Liberty PAC released one of the most interesting presidential ads in recent memory, portraying the Senate debate on NSA spying as if it were a professional wrestling event. As amusing as it was, it got us thinking about the 2016 election and which memorable in-ring competitors best line up with some of the already declared and potential candidates. As surprising as it may seem, wrestling has much more in common with politics than what is seen at first glance, and these comparisons tell the whole story.
Rand Paul = Hulk Hogan
For years, Hogan was the ultimate “Real American” hero to millions of his “Hulkamaniacs,” telling them to “train, say your prayers and eat your vitamins.” No matter how many bad guys attempted to foil the Hulkster over the years, it was almost always guaranteed that Hogan’s good would prevail over evil.
In the same way, Senator Paul so often shows himself to be a one-of-a-kind statesman, willing to fight for the rights of every American while righting wrongs. Just as Hogan proved himself to be a champion by winning the WCW and WWE Titles six times each, Paul has shown himself to be a true “champion” of liberty. Rather than using the “Atomic Leg Drop” as Hogan did, Paul has been keen on finishing off his opponents with a filibuster.
Ted Cruz = “Macho Man” Randy Savage
One of the wildest figures in the history of the sport, the Macho Man was never low on energy. Known for his outlandish ring attires and explosive top-rope moves, Savage transcended the industry. A major part of Savage’s career was his complicated on again/off again relationship with Hogan. For example, the two went from uniting as the “Mega Powers” at Wrestlemania IV to facing off against one another a year later at Wrestlemania V.
Likewise, Ted Cruz has become one of the most fascinating people in all of American politics, sounding very libertarian at some moments and seemingly transforming into a typical neo-conservative the next. Just like Savage and Hogan, Cruz and Paul have had a tenuous partnership, as the two have consistently referred to one another as “friends,” yet have at times differed on policy and have begun subtle attacks as the election has drawn nearer. While Cruz does not wear bright sunglasses and robes like Savage did, he has easily shown himself to be one of the “flashiest” options in the 2016 race.
Jeb Bush = “Nature Boy” Ric Flair
In the history of professional wrestling, there are not many who were as evil and hated as Ric Flair. Nonetheless, Flair used his wealth and influence as the leader of the wretched “Four Horsemen” stable to remain atop the NWA and WCW, often bending the rules to win his matches.
Much like Flair, Bush has a group of shadowy henchmen whom he will use to assist in guaranteeing a successful election cycle. It would not be surprising if Bush has plenty of tricks up his sleeve to give his campaign a boost, just like the “Dirtiest Player in the Game.” Taking his spot as “front-runner” in this election will not be an easy task, as previous opponents of the Bush political machine have learned.
Hillary Clinton = “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase
The Million Dollar Man was known as the most arrogant and obnoxious man in wrestling for years. Gifted with excessive wealth, he would often taunt fans and opponents alike, taunting them by offering money in exchange for them performing humiliating acts. Moreover, DiBiase thought he could buy his way to the top, exemplified by when he bribed a referee into costing Hulk Hogan his WWE Title against Andre the Giant, and then attempting to purchase the same championship after the match.
It is hard not to feel a sense of entitlement emanating from Hillary Clinton. She has spent nearly her entire life inside the beltway of Washington, DC and has been linked to multiple scandals. It seems that her entire life has been arranged specially in order for her to follow in her husband’s footsteps to the presidency.
Scott Walker = “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes
Dusty Rhodes was one of the biggest stars in wrestling, and consistently headlined main events in NWA and WCW against Ric Flair. Perhaps what made him so likeable was his appeal as the “common man,” promoting himself as the “son of a plumber,” in contrast to the bourgeois image of Flair. He did not have the physique or pure athleticism of a “typical” wrestler, but his heart allowed to him to win over millions of fans.
One of the first serious presidential candidates in recent memory without a college degree, Scott Walker has an uphill battle. He has used the folklore of his defeat of Wisconsin labor unions to generate a legend of a record of conservative reform. While Walker has found himself near the top in polling in recent months, time will tell if he can continue to successfully market his populist tale.
Mike Huckabee = The Honky Tonk Man
When the Honky Tonk Man came onto the scene in wrestling, he at first did his best to appeal to the fans and wrestle cleanly. However, when he felt tides turning against him, he asked for a “vote of confidence,” to which audiences responded negatively. Honky despised this apparent lack of appreciation, and his ego soon inflated, as he would begin matches playing guitar and singing whether it was desired or not.
Mike Huckabee was once at the forefront of Republican politics, as his brand of economic populism and social conservatism exemplified the old guard of the GOP. After performing better than expected in the 2008 primary, Huckabee took a hiatus from politics until announcing his bid for 2016. Now, he seems so often out of touch that one wonders how he even fits within the current political climate. Rather than adapting, Huckabee, like the Honky Tonk Man, has chosen to reject change and continue pushing a failed agenda.
Marco Rubio = “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff
Paul Orndorff was one of the most physically gifted and talented wrestlers of all time. He debuted as a villain, assisting “Rowdy” Roddy Piper in his feud against Hulk Hogan, and going on to main event the first Wrestlemania. Following a loss in that match, Orndorff had a change of heart and soon formed an alliance with Hogan. However, Orndorff’s massive ego soon resurfaced as he turned on Hogan and challenged him for the WWE Title.
Marco Rubio has long been considered one of the most promising young politicians in the country. After serving as Speaker of the Florida House of Representatives and aligning himself with Jeb Bush, Rubio promoted himself as an outsider “Tea Party” candidate in order to win election to the Senate in 2010. For as much promise as Rubio once had, he has revealed himself to be nothing more than just another Republican. For example, though in 2013 he joined the drone filibuster by his fellow Tea Party wave beneficiary Rand Paul, he has more recently been extremely critical of Paul, revealing his Establishment tendencies, just as Orndorff did when he double-crossed Hogan.
Ben Carson = The Ultimate Warrior
The Ultimate Warrior was one of the most iconic and unique figures in wrestling history, as he made his mark through his distinct mannerisms, face-paint and energy. He suddenly burst onto the scene, making his name seemingly overnight. Before anyone realized it, the Warrior had defeated Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania VI to become the new WWE Champion. However, the Warrior’s fall occurred just as quickly as his rise, as he lost the title less than a year later and was soon gone from the WWE, never again reaching such heights.
Ben Carson also was an overnight sensation, as his speech at the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast instantly made him a political star and initiated speculation of a presidential run. Carson has capitalized on this exposure, as he has done fairly well in most polling. However, most are left to wonder how much longer Carson can sustain these successes, as his penchant for saying silly things and having a lack of knowledge on political issues is sure to come back to haunt him. While Carson may be a good man, his lack of experience likely dooms him to flame out just as abruptly as he emerged.
Bernie Sanders = Irwin R. Schyster (IRS)
Naturally one of the most reviled figures in wrestling history, all that IRS ever had to do to get a negative reaction from fans was to remind them to “pay your taxes.” More notable as a character than as a major in-ring competitor, IRS had some success when he formed a tag team with the Million Dollar Man called “Money Inc.”
Bernie Sanders is undoubtedly one of the most electorally successful self-proclaimed socialists in American history. He has served in the Senate since 2007 and consistently promotes taxing the rich and increasing regulations in order to improve the economy. His odds of winning the Democratic nomination are nearly zero, but that will certainly not make him go away. In the end, he will likely just end up teaming with likely nominee Hillary Clinton to promote leftist policies, just like DiBiase and IRS did.
Chris Christie = The Big Boss Man
The Big Boss Man debuted in the WWE as an evil figure who abused his power. Pushing around opponents who were not nearly as large as he was, he quickly targeted the Mega Powers, Hogan and Savage. Even after the dissolution of the team, the Boss Man continued to feud with Hogan, but rarely came out on top.
Chris Christie was considered a frontrunner for the Republican nomination in 2012, yet forewent that opportunity. In the time since, he has gone from odds-on favorite to win the 2016 contest to nearly irrelevant. Most damning have been the revelations that he had at least something to do with the closure of New Jersey bridges in retaliation for a non-endorsements by some Democratic officials. This incident has particularly harmful because it supplements the already-existent image of Christie as a bit of “bully” who tries to push others around.