#1. Alabama
In Alabama, it’s illegal to wrestle with bears, which is pretty stupid because some of those people are so hairy down there that it can be hard to tell the difference! It’s also illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a car, which makes sense on its face, but think about how many more lives would be saved if stupid people who’d do something like that were allowed to kill themselves off? Perhaps we’d get less stupid people voting for people who would pass dumb laws like these?
#2. Alaska
Oh Alaska, land of Sarah Palin, we love your beautiful wilderness and wildlife. Or we would love it, if we were allowed to view it from an airplane. Because apparently that sh** is illegal in Alaska. That’s right, it’s actually illegal to view moose from an airplane in Alaska. You might be able to see Russia from your house, but you can’t see a moose! And guess what’s worse? It’s also illegal to feed alcohol to a moose! Seriously! What kind of tyranny is this? Can’t even get your pet moose drunk! Might as well move to Canada!
It’s also illegal to tie your pet dog to the roof of your car, so Romney should probably avoid a road trip there.
#3. Arizona
Ahh the old home state of Barry Goldwater, where hunting camels is prohibited. Huh? Yes, apparently it is illegal to hunt camels in Arizona, where they must be an endangered species. And if a camel asks you for a drink of water to refill their hump, you’d better give it to them. Why? Because it’s illegal to refuse someone a drink of water in Arizona. Erm, OK, but do you realize how much a freaking camel drinks?! They drink… like a camel!
Also, donkeys can’t sleep in bathtubs. Who comes up with this weird stuff? Oh yeah, dumb politicians.
#4. Arkansas
Don’t go to Arkansas unless you can pronounce it. Ar-Kansas? No! Go to jail! It’s strictly prohibited to pronounce Arkansas incorrectly. Think I’m joking? Look it up! I’m serious! Don’t go to Arkansas!
Also, apparently in the city of Little Rock it’s illegal to honk your horn at a sandwich shop after 9pm. You also can’t stop or start your car “suddenly” at McDonald’s, so if you plan on making a quick getaway after slamming a quarter pounder, you’re out of luck.
#5. California
In Hollywood, California don’t you dare photograph a child under the age of one month without a pediatrician’s permission. Cameras steal baby’s souls at that tender age… or maybe pediatricians like getting paid for BS reasons? Who knows.
Also, if you’re ever under attack from a bear or a bobcat while traipsing up Runyon Canyon, don’t let your dog pursue them for too long. If your dog saves you from a bear attack, letting your dog chase the bear for an extended period of time is against the law. Attack bears didn’t do nuffin wrong.
Also, don’t even think about throwing a frisbee on a beach in Los Angeles without the lifeguard’s permission. That’s a crime!
And here’s another WTF law, apparently no vehicle without a driver can exceed 60 mph. So if you’re dumping a body in a trunk, make sure the rock you set on the accelerator won’t let the car get up over 60 mph before it drives over the cliff and destroys the evidence of your crime. If the driverless car goes over 60 mph then you’re breaking the law.
#6. Colorado
Colorado has some dumb laws, but apparently not as many as other states. We heart you Colorado. But still, you do have some sucky, stupid laws. Apparently you can’t mutilate rocks in a state park. Oooookay… not sure what the hell that means. Also, it’s illegal to ride horses while drunk. So if you’re riding a horse through a state park, and you drunkenly mutilate any rocks then you’re in big trouble mister!
Also, throwing missiles at cars is illegal, so don’t do it.
#7. Connecticut
Maybe this isn’t really that dumb of a law but… it’s illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway. Not a bad idea to make that illegal but… frankly if you’re shooting off a gun from a public road I don’t think you need to really get that specific of a law to incarcerate someone over that. What about if you’re bicycling though? Does that count? Well, as long as you’re not biking over 65 mph, you should be fine, because it’s illegal to ride your bike over that speed limit. That’s right, if you get your bicycle up over 65 mph, you are not only under arrest, you are also a cyborg and must be killed before Skynet becomes self aware.
#8. Delaware
Delaware! A state known for its brief appearance in the movie Wayne’s World when they famously remarked “We’re in Delaware.” There’s something else Delaware is known for… dumb laws! Apparently it’s illegal to fly over any body of water unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink. Of course, Delaware is so tiny that flying over it takes all of ten minutes. Frankly, if you need to land, it’s probably not going to be over a body of water in Delaware when you could just go to a real state instead.
#9. Florida
Oh Florida, we know you have a lot of crazy sh** going on all the time down there. You are legendary in stupidity for all the nutty headlines of people doing weird stuff down there. It’s no surprise that when we looked up your legal system that we found a plethora of stupid laws that match your turgid reputation.
In Florida, it’s illegal for unmarried couple to commit lewd acts and live together in the same residence. At first when I read that I thought about all the lewd acts I have committed in Florida while being unmarried, but then I remembered I was safe because we didn’t live together. Unfortunately, if any of my mistakes in Florida had resulted in a pregnancy 9 months later, it’s illegal to sell those children. WTF Florida? It’s illegal to sell your children? What kind of free market is that?!
Also, oral sex is illegal and so is kissing your wife’s breasts. Florida… GTFO!
#10. Georgia
Georgia sucks! Why? They have stupid laws. OK, so does every other state, but let’s say you don’t want to live on the land with sucky Georgians. If you have a house bout, it’s illegal to live there for more than 30 days in a calendar year, even if you’re just passing through! What the hell?
Also, sex toys are banned. That’s some real BS right there. I’d rather be dead than alive in Georgia, which is funny because if you’re such a prude that you agree with the sex toys ban, and you’re dead in Georgia, it’s illegal to use profanity in front of your corpse. Great. So you had no fun while you were alive, and nobody can have any fun near your cold, dead body either.
You suck Georgia! Nice peaches though. Millions of them.
#11. Hawaii
Ahh Hawaii, the most beautiful of all the states, where people can only have one alcoholic beverage in front of them at a time. That’s right. In the land of Mai Tai’s, you can only have one at a time. Don’t you dare have two in front of you, because that would be illegal!
Also don’t put coins in your ears. That’s illegal too. If you want to leave to be somewhere you’re free to put coins in your ears, go on your boat, because it’s illegal NOT to own one. You can be fined for not having a boat.
#12. Idaho
Idaho? No you da ho! But if you a ho in Idaho then you’re safe! Because if a police officer approaches your vehicle, and thinks you might be having sex, he’s required to honk, flash his lights, and wait for three minutes before approaching your car. This is actually a law we can get behind. Who wants the po po getting between you and your ho in Idaho when y’all are feeling frisky? Not me, that’s fo sho’.
#13. Illinois
It’s illegal to hang fuzzy dice from your mirror. Also, no air fresheners, which is a really bad idea if you’ve ever driven through some parts of Illinois. Also, if you do drive through, make sure to have at least one dollar in your pocket at all times, otherwise you could be arrested for vagrancy. Freaking A! I don’t carry cash with me for the sole reason of not having to give any to vagrants! Who carries cash anymore? What is this, the year 2000?
#14. Indiana
Indiana hates puppet shows. Apparently there used to be some really bawdy ones or something because if you have a puppet show, and you get paid for it, you can be fined $3 per act to Prevent Certain Immoral Practices. We’re guessing some people might have been using something for a puppet they shouldn’t have. Still, it’s only a $3 fine, so I’m sure it’s worth it.
They’ve got a bunch of other stupid laws too. Want to make a White Russian cocktail? Well it’s illegal to sell milk in a liquor store, so go somewhere else to get your drink on. Just don’t go to a bar where you know the owner because drinks on the house are also illegal. And don’t even think about bringing your own bottle of beer into a bar, because you can be arrested for such crimes against the state. And if you thought you’d grab a cold six pack on the way home at the grocery store, forget it. It’s illegal to buy cold liquor at grocery stores. You’ll drink it warm and you’ll LIKE it.
Ahh, Indiana, not Louisiana, Paris, France, New York, or Rome. But Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana… NOT MY HOME SWEET HOME!
#15. Iowa
Iowa hates hipsters apparently. It’s illegal for dudes with moustaches to kiss their womens in public. That’s right you bearded hipster sons of beeches! Keep that tongue in your mouth and save the love for later at home. And if for some reason in the act of love, you contract gonorrhea, we suggest going to get treated in another state. Why? Because if you go to a doctor, they are required to report you to the local board of health, and include the diseases probable origin. Oh well, that’s what she gets for dating a moustached hipster.
#16. Kansas
Ahh, good old Kansas, where it’s illegal to use mules to hunt ducks, rabbits can’t be shot from motorboats, and no one is allowed to catch a fish with their bare hands. You do have some stupid laws Kansas but not that many that we could find. I guess we can forego shooting rabbits from our boats if we had to live there. Still, we are keeping an I on U. But we won’t sing I or U… because singing the alphabet song on the streets at night in Topeka is I-L-L-E-G-A-L.
#17. Kentucky
Kentucky! Land of Rand! (And Mitch McConnell blegh) But still, there’s a lot to love in Kentucky… AND A LOT TO HATE! You SUCK Kentucky! I’m going to throw eggs at the next public speaker I see! Oh wait, it’s illegal? Oh… I guess that’s not that bad of a dumb law. Still, without politicians, who would inspire me to throw eggs? Maybe public speakers who don’t want to get eggs in their faces should wear hats… but not without their husband’s permission. Why? Because it’s illegal for wives to buy hats without their hubby’s permission. That’s just weird Kentucky. Get your sh** together.
We’re still cool though. Thanks for the bourbon.
#18. Louisiana
There are some pretty crazy laws in Louisiana. We found out that “fake” wrestling matches are prohibited. Somebody call Jack Hunter! We need some freedom down there stat! Maybe we can set up a boxing match or something between him and Lindsey Graham for charity? Probably not though, because it’s illegal to mock the contestants at a boxing match. Wouldn’t want to hurt little Lindsey’s feelings. Also, who knows if Graham would even play fair? If he decided to bite Hunter in the match, it’d be simple assault, but if he had fake teeth, that would be “aggravated assault.” Can we confirm that Graham’s teeth are real before the fight starts?
#19. Maine
It’s fine to be a fiddler on the roof in Maine, just don’t play that fiddle while walking down the street. It’s against the law. And if you’re going to church on Sunday mornings, don’t forget your shotgun. It’s illegal not to bring one in case of Native American attacks. WTF Maine? Well, if I were a rich man, I could afford to pay the fine for such ridiculousness.
#20. Maryland
Oh Maryland, how we hate you. You have made oral sex a crime. No one wants to go down on a Marylander anyway, so it’s not like this affects anybody. On a positive note however, it’s illegal to wear a sleeveless shirt in a public park. That’s probably not such a bad law. Still, this is just another reason why nobody likes Maryland. Just drive through and keep going until you get to Virginia, where you can give some sweet, sweet brain. Did I mention I live in Virginia?
#21. Massachusetts
I hate Massachusetts. Mostly because that stupid name is so hard to spell. But also because of their stupid laws! You can’t give beer to hospital patients! What the hell? If I’m dying in Massachusetts, please for the love of all that is holy take me somewhere I can drink beer before I shuffle off this mortal coil.
And apparently it’s legal for children to smoke, they just can’t buy cigarettes. What the hell? And if the kid’s dying in a hospital from lung cancer, can they at least have a beer? No? Screw you Massachusetts, you suck so bad. Apparently you can’t eat any more than three sandwiches at the dead kid’s funeral either. That’s illegal. That’s idiotic. I hate you Massachusetts. Go to hell.
Also, bullets can’t be used as currency, which is fine. I’ll just use them to kill myself if I ever find myself in your hellhole of a state.
#22. Michigan
In Michigan, it’s illegal to be drunk on trains, which doesn’t make any sense. You’d have to be drunk at all times just to be able to tolerate being in that godawful state. Thankfully, they do have some good laws, like the fact that it’s illegal for a wife to cut her hair without her husband’s permission. This makes sense. Don’t cut your hair ladies. Nobody likes that, especially not your husbands. They put too much time and effort into their jobs just to come home and see you with that stupid pixie cut or the dreaded “angry soccer mom bob.”
It’s not cute. It’s illegal.
#23. Minnesota
Minnesota, eh? They’ve got some dumb laws, but here’s one that’s probably a good idea. It’s illegal to drive a motorcycle without wearing a shirt. Hmm… probably not such a bad idea. You seen those biker dudes with their wrinkly nipples? Ain’t nobody got time for dat. Let them go home and sleep naked for all we care. Oh wait… it’s illegal to sleep naked? FML!
#24. Mississippi
The only reason we can spell your stupid state’s name is because it rolls trippingly on the tongue. But if you mouth it as some of your poor players do, I’d as LEIF the town cryer spoke my lines!
Fine! Get thee to a nunnery! But don’t disturb the church service, because that is illegal. And don’t teach other people what polygamy is… because the act of teaching them is illegal. And if you get all turned on by committing such a heinous crime… it better not be in public. Because if you get horny in public… that’s illegal!
Everything fun is illegal! Don’t go to Mississippi!
#25. Missouri
Oh Shenandoah! I long to see you! But I’m afraid I can never return until after the age of fifty. Why? Because you have an annual tax on all males between the ages of 21 and 50 that was enacted in 1820. Misandry! War on men!
Also, it’s illegal to drink in a bar in Missouri between 2am and 6am, which makes no sense because if you’re in Missouri, you need to be able to drink heavily just to deal with living in the Show Me State. Still, if you live in Purdy, MO, it’s illegal to dance. Where do you think they got the inspiration for the movie Footloose from? Don’t leave Missouri. Run. Just don’t run if you’re a milk man while on duty. That’s illegal.
Also, it’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. That one we know from first hand experience.
#26. Montana
In Montana, it’s a crime to pretend to abuse an animal in the presence of a minor. I guess that’s pretty dumb because who doesn’t love freaking out little kids by pretending to beat up their dog? That’s hilarious! Then you can be all like “oh see, I didn’t hurt him!” But if a cop saw you doing that you’d get arrested. And I guess freaking weirdos who do that kind of stuff probably should be. Still, it’s pretty durned hilarious.
You know what else is crazy about the laws in Montana? It’s illegal to have sex in any other position than missionary. Yes, that is an explicitly stated law. Wow. Apparently no one in Montana is having any fun. Thankfully, it’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail, so if she did and found out by correspondence with his mistress that they were doing it doggy style, she probably wouldn’t report him, or risk jail herself.
Also, seven or more Native Americans constitutions a raiding party and it’s legal to shoot them.
Fun stuff Montana. We’ll just not go there.
#27. Nebraska
Apparently people in Nebraska are so dumb that they need a special law to tell them not to fly while drunk. That’s probably not a bad law, but apparently it was such a problem that they needed to spell it out.
It’s also illegal to go whale fishing, which, as you can tell from their lack of access to the ocean, shouldn’t be problem enforcing. But other laws, like the one where parents can be arrested if their child burps in church, should be easier to enforce and SHOULD be enforced. That is just freaking rude.
It’s also illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup. This is a good law because who doesn’t like a little soup with their beer? Makes sense right?
#28. Nevada
Nevada rocks! All you need to know about Nevada happens in Las Vegas, where you can see world class shows with lions, tigers, bears, and camels! Just don’t drive that camel down the highway, because that would be illegal.
Still, at least you can party hard in Vegas, just not in Nyala, Nevada. Why? Because in Nyala, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people than himself at any one period during the day. Sorry ladies, you’ll have to move from dude to dude to get your free drinks in Nyala.
#29. New Hampshire
New Hampshire pretty much blows. They don’t care about poor people. Why? Because if you go broke on a gambling debt, it’s illegal for you to sell your clothes to pay that debt. What the hell?
At least they have some good laws. If you go to a bar, tavern, restaurant, or cafe, it’s illegal for you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time with the music.
GOOD! Those people are annoying anyway. They should be arrested.
#30. New Jersey
Dirty Jerz. You have given so much to American culture in previous years. And your dumb laws pale in comparison to your cultural contributions. You can pump your fists, but you can’t pump your own gas. Murder is illegal, but murdering someone while wearing a bulletproof vest is even MORE illegal. And if you get arrested for killing someone while wearing a bulletproof vest, don’t frown at the officer, because THAT’S ILLEGAL TOO!
#31. New Mexico
In New Mexico, it’s ok to be naked, as long as the male genitalia are covered. That’s so freaking rude. And it gets worse! It’s legal to be naked in New Mexico, except for the male genitalia… and except for women’s nipples. So wait… it’s legal to be naked, but you can’t be a topless woman, and you can’t be a dude with no pants. Remind me not to go to New Mexico.
Also, New Mexico once ordered 400 words of “sexually explicit” material to be removed from Romeo and Juliet. Oh, New Mexican prudes… wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
#32. New York
New York sucks, and everybody knows this. The laws are numerous, the governors and mayors are tyrants. It’s so bad that it will make you want to kill yourself. But don’t kill yourself by jumping off of one of those skyscrapers, because the punishment for doing so is death. So if you survive, they’ll kill you.
And if you thought that was dumb, how about the fact that you can be fined $25 for flirting? That’s redonk! New York has the hottest girls in the country, and they’re going to cost you an arm and a leg anyway, but if you flirt with them you’ll owe the government $25. Oh well, that’s like the cost of a cosmo in Manhattan.
Luckily, there are some good things about New York. It’s legal for women to go topless in public… but if they’re getting paid for it… IT’S ILLEGAL!
#33. North Carolina
Here’s a law that seems a might unfair: In North Carolina a marriage can be declared void if either of the persons is physically impotent. I’m sure some people might have a problem with that. But this is coming from a state where it is illegal for couples to stay in a hotel unless the room has double beds that are only two feet apart. Not that you’ll want to do anything anyway, because it’s illegal to do anything but missionary position with the shades pulled. But be careful when you check in at the hotel, if you and your partner accidentally check the box that says married when you sign in, then you are legally married in the eyes of the state.
Dang, and you were just hoping for a one night stand!
#34. North Dakota
In North Dakota, it’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on. That’s nice of the state to be looking out for you in such a way. But then they go and do something stupid like make it illegal for beer and pretzels to be served at the same time in a bar or restaurant. What the hell North Dakota? You’re nuts!
#35. Ohio
In Ohio, you can get away with civil crimes on the 4th of July and Sundays! No civil arrests can be made on those days so have at it! Anarchy in Ohio! Just don’t fish for whales on Sunday, or fish drunk. Both are illegal. And if you’ve got more than five women in a house, well, according to the state they’re all whores and that’s illegal. No more than five women to a house. 5 is a sorority. 6 makes them whores.
#36. Oklahoma
OOoooooooook… lahoma where it’s illegal for girls to style their own hair. Where you just might, get prison for a night, if you take a bite from someone else’s hamburger! And when we saaaaaaay it’s illegal to pretend to have sex with a buffaloooooo, we’re only sayin’ you’re not doing fine Oklahoma, Oklahoma you’re not OK.
#37. Oregon
Oregon is a weird place. Someone actually passed a law that made it a crime to collect human fecal matter and leave it on the side of a highway. Why did you need this law Oregon? We’re never going there to find out. But if we did, at least we know we’d be safe from people leaving babies on the running boards of their car. We’re glad that is illegal. Still, there are so many other stupid laws that we probably just need to list them right here. No snark necessary:
#38. Pennsylvania
Pennsylvania is a stupid state, and everybody knows it. They make it so obvious with their stupid quaker hats and their oatmeal. And their liquor laws! Jeez! All liquor stores are STATE RUN! Dafuq is that all about?! Government employees have no idea how to choose good liquors! Also, you can’t even buy more than two packages of beer at a time, unless you’re getting it from an official “beer distributor.” Oh and guess how you become a distributor? You go suck the toes of some bureaucrat to get it!
At least they have a realistic idea of how many women it takes to make a whorehouse. In Pennsylvania, you can have up to 16 women in a house before they magically become prostitutes. Yes, 16 women is just a college kid’s sweet dream but 17 is full blown hookerland. And if you went to that house of ill repute, and got blackout drunk, and you tripped outside and fell on top of a refrigerator, that would be illegal. Because apparently people falling asleep on top of refrigerators is illegal in that stupid state that no one should ever go to.
#39. Rhode Island
Do people actually live here? I’ve never met anyone from this place. This makes sense because if we lived there, we’d be tempted to bite off our own legs, which is fine. But it is against the law to bite off the legs of other people. And if that wasn’t stupid enough, apparently it’s a crime to throw pickle juice at someone while on a trolley. How many times has this actually happened?! You know that some stupid politician in 1902 probably got pickle juice spilled on them on a trolley and just had to pass a law to persecute some poor, unfortunate soul. Still, another good reason why Rhode Island sucks. Leave the state immediately. But if you do, make sure you make a loud noise when you pass someone, because otherwise it’s illegal.
#40. South Carolina
Land of Lindsey Graham. You all need to apologize to the rest of the country just for that alone. If Lindsey Graham were our wife, we’d beat the hell out of him, just not on Sundays at the court house, because that’s illegal.
You know what else is illegal in South Carolina? Selling musical instruments on Sunday. You also have to be 18 to play pinball, because apparently they were all freaked out that pinball was corrupting the youth. This was before violent video games were corrupting youth, and before pool tables and dance halls were corrupting our youth. Oh and speaking of dance halls, those aren’t allowed to be open on Sunday. The Big Guy Up There doesn’t approve of dancing on Sundays, so the government needs to make sure there ain’t any watussie or mashed potatoes gittin’ smashed on the Sabbath.
#41. South Dakota
I can think of a million reasons never to go to South Dakota. The fact that it’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory is number one. Also, if there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property, you can legally shoot them. That’s messed up South Dakota. And what the hell, you can shoot Native Americans, but you can’t watch movies that show police officers being abused or mistreated? Oh OK we can kill Squanto but if you slap Officer Wiggums in a film then it’s illegal? Screw you South Dakota. We like North Dakota better.
#42. Tennessee
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see. Sorry, I’ve just been waiting to use that pickup line forever. OK I used it once and it didn’t work. MOVING ON.
In Tennessee it’s illegal for kids to hold hands while at school. We wonder though, is it OK if they’re related? What if they love each other like kinfolks are wont to do in Tennesses, but they want to share their Netflix password with each other? That’s illegal too? Sheesh! Well fine!
And apparently it’s illegal to eat roadkill there, which seems pretty dumb because I have heard of some fine recipes for smushed possum that came out of Tennessee. It’s also illegal to dare a minor to purchase beer, because that is the type of thing the legislature really needs to concern itself with. Why? Because Tennessee.
#43. Texas
In stupid Texas it’s illegal for anyone to hold public office unless they acknowledge a supreme being. Hey Texas, acknowledge the supreme being in my pants, why don’t you?
Texas kills a lot of people on death row. They claim to be some kind of free market utopia, but isn’t it funny how they’re all “an eye for an eye,” but if you try and SELL that eye, that’s illegal!
Also, if you don’t think Texas sucks, did you know that it’s illegal to sell the Encyclopedia Brittanica there? Know why? Because it contains a recipe for making beer. And it’s also illegal to take more than three sips of beer while standing up. It’s also illegal to own more than six sex toys. Not so free now are you Texans? Lone Star State? More like Lone Star Sucks!
#44. Utah
There’s a lot to hate about Utah’s dumb laws. But the fact that it’s illegal to set off a nuclear weapon is number one. I mean, why the hell not? Where else are we going to test our private nuclear weapons if not the barren, lifeless state of Utah?
Apparently it’s also illegal NOT to drink milk, which is kind of weird. Must be some kind of strange superstition. And speaking of superstitions, it’s actually a freaking FELONY for people to persistently tread on the cracks between paving stones on the sidewalk of a state highway. See, this problem is all because of the roads. Without government built roads, who would be prosecuted for stepping on the cracks in them?
You know what else is pretty stupid about Utah? In mormon-land, a husband is responsible for any crime his wife commits while in his presence. Now THAT is some weird kind of BS.
#45. Vermont
God does not exist.
Now, if I lived in Vermont, I just committed a crime. Because apparently these weirdos in VT have a law against denying the existence of god. What do you expect from a state that makes it illegal for women to wear false teeth without permission from their husbands and requires citizens by law to bathe every Saturday night. Thanks government. No one would know how to be clean without you.
#46. Virginia
Once I got a ticket in Virginia because I had a radar detector, which was really stupid because it didn’t even help me get out of the speeding ticket I got on top of having a radar detector. Those things are useless, and in Virginia they’re also illegal!
I hate Virginia for lots of reasons. The fact that it’s illegal to tickle women is just one of them. They also have the government monopoly on liquor sales, which sucks because I can’t find any good gin like Damrak. The bureaucrats have no idea what good alcohol is so if we live in Northern Virginia we just head to the land of freedom… the District of Columbia where the state doesn’t sell the liquor and they have a good selection.
Virginia also has a law that makes it illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween. Because politicians suck that’s why. Good thing no one follows the law.
#47. Washington
Nobody likes Washington, but here are some good reasons why. In Washington, you can’t use x-rays to fit shoes. Yes, I get it, they used to pour terrifying amounts of radiation into people’s feet with those crazy devices back in the day, but that is just a dumb law. I don’t need government to tell me not to zap my feet with harmful radiation, thank you.
Also, Washington sucks because it’s illegal to harass Bigfoot. Yes, it’s a felony crime to harass, tease, or otherwise mess with a Sasquatch. Some politician was paid at taxpayer expense to write that law and pass it. I need a beer and a woman. Where can I get a girl in Washington? How about the Maple Lane School for girls? Wait… it’s a crime to entice girls away from the Maple Lane School for girls? What the hell!?!? I thought this was America!!?! I was just going to go up to them and lie to them and tell them my daddy’s rich so I can get some. Wait… what do you mean it’s illegal to lie to a girl and say my dad is rich?! How are we poor guys supposed to get any with laws like that on the books?!
#48. West Virginia
West Virginia, Virginia’s semi-retarded stepbrother. It’s not really a state. Well it sort of is, but why would you want to go there? You can get fined for swearing in public. F*** that! At least it’s not as bad as Tennessee, because it’s actually legal here to take roadkill home for supper, so they’ve got that going for them. And if you killed the animal while having sex with it, you’re good as long as the animal was under 40 pounds. That’s correct. You can legally mate with an animal as long as it’s under 40 pounds.
Also, it’s illegal to whistle underwater, which is dumb, because people who do something like that deserve to drown.
#49. Wisconsin
I wanted to like Wisconsin, I really did. But then I read that it was illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese, and I am afraid I have to quit you. I understand you have a cheesy corporate oligarchy in the state, but forcing me to have cheese with my apple pie is really just total tyranny. If I want cheese, I will order it myself. And yes, you need a license to make cheese, which is really dangerous because I am producing Fromunda every day that I go without showering. Oh and don’t even think about making Limburger cheese. You are required to have a master cheese maker’s license for that.
Also, it’s illegal to kiss on a train, or for a woman to cut her hair. There are more like this folks. It’s just bad there. It’s bad in Wisconsin. Don’t go. Just order the cheese and have it shipped to you from far away.
#50. Wyoming
Ahh Wyoming, you’re the last state, and you have some of the dumbest laws of them all. Apparently it’s illegal to take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit. You also can’t use firearms to fish, which is unfortunate because I like blasting crappie with my .12 gauge.
And there are other things about you Wyoming that makes me just not know if we can be friends. Women can’t stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. That’s just stupid and dangerous. You ever seen a drunk girl at a bar? Please let her have something to lean on.