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In the past day, the internet has decided that Eminem, was relevant again. He’s made a career out of controversy (though he’s not the first king of it), and what’s more controversial than attacking Donald Trump? Or less controversial, whatever…

The following are the ten lamest disses from his new freestyle video, “The Storm”, released during BET’s hip-hop awards the other night.

I can’t take seriously any political commentary that starts with

1. “That’s an awfully hot coffee pot
Should I drop it on Donald Trump? Prob’ly not

We don’t ever hear anything more about the coffee pot. Where was it? Why was it so hot? Was it decaff? Who suggested he drop it on anyone?

The world will never know…

Maybe he’s trying for a metaphor of being “woke”, maybe he’s just getting started and saving his best lines for the crescendo, or maybe Slim Shady is losing steam in his old age. At least he seems aware that he starts out kind of weak, acknowledging in his next line that

2. “But that’s all I got ’til I come up with a solid plot”, before getting to it.

3. “Imma walk inside a mosque on Ramadan
And say a prayer that every time Melania talks
She gets a mou— Ahh, Imma stop”

So… I can see how praying to a God that Trump doesn’t believe in while surrounded by people he supposedly hates about, what I assume is some sexual acts happening with his wife would be more than insulting to most men. But Trump himself has talked about his wives in terms of them being “great pieces of ass”, arranged for sexualized photo-shoots to show them off, and seems to revel in people wanting her. If the most Eminem is saying is that he’s going to pray that such acts happen to her (in a mosque on Ramadan), this verse seems much more insulting to Muslims than to Trump. Which is ironic, because most of Eminem’s critique of him is charges of racism, xenophobia, and words that aren’t P.C. … as I said, from Eminem.

4. “But we better give Obama props
‘Cause what we got in office now’s a kamikaze
That’ll probably cause a nuclear holocaust”

Really? That’s what it takes to make Presidents worthy of praise… their lack of starting nuclear war? No Presidents after or before Truman have used nukes on another nation, and I’ve yet to hear him give non-Obama Presidents praise for not doing so. In fact, the last time he made the news talking about a President was when he insulted Bush for being a warmonger. You know, for being engaged in two wars, one of which most Americans supported. Not, you know, Obama’s engagement in seven wars as the only President we’ve ever had to ever preside over two full terms without a single day not at war after being the so-called “peace candidate”.

5. “And while the drama pops
And he waits for shit to quiet down, he’ll just gas his plane up and fly around ’til the bombing stops”

Wait… I’m confused. Is he just going to fly around until the war is over, or is he a kamikaze pilot? You’re kind of giving us mixed messages, Marshall.

6. “Trump, when it comes to giving a shit, you’re stingy as I am
Except when it comes to having the balls to go against me, you hide ’em
‘Cause you don’t got the fucking nuts, like an empty asylum”

Wait… why was Trump supposed to be attacking some random rapper before this, exactly? And the fact that he doesn’t seems to be completely out of character for a line in this same freestyle…

7. “this is his form of distraction
Plus, he gets an enormous reaction
When he attacks the NFL so we focus on that
Instead of talking Puerto Rico or gun reform for Nevada
All these horrible tragedies and he’s bored and would rather
Cause a Twitter storm with the Packers”

So… is his twitter that focuses on distractions to get a reaction that shifts the focus from major issues to petty reality show/rapper disputes/NFL and other inconsequential bullshit something he shouldn’t be doing, or something he doesn’t have the balls to do? Don’t get me wrong, I think the whole NFL standing/kneeling thing is a distraction from major issues, and that Trump should never have gotten involved. But which is it?

8. “Racism’s the only thing he’s fantastic for
‘Cause that’s how he gets his fucking rocks off and he’s orange
Yeah, sick tan”

Wait… he’s orange and has a bad tan is considered a wild insult in a rap song now? And why is he “fantastic” for his racism?

9. “Fuck that! This is for Colin, ball up a fist!
And keep that shit balled like Donald the bitch!”

Wait, is he saying balled or bald? Because Donald’s got a huge plume of hair. If he’s balling, isn’t that a compliment, rather than an insult?

And, finally, the verse that’s been most quoted…

10. “And any fan of mine who’s a supporter of his
I’m drawing in the sand a line: you’re either for or against
And if you can’t decide who you like more and you’re split
On who you should stand beside, I’ll do it for you with this:
Fuck you!”

So… his penultimate insult, or at least the one which got the most attention, is him telling a good chunk of the country to stop giving Eminem money if they disagree with him politically? Assuming Trump supporters listen, doesn’t that hurt Eminem and not hurt Trump at all? I mean, let’s be honest… this freestyle didn’t change anyone’s mind.

The only people I’ve seen thus far praising this freestyle are those who constantly bash Trump. But supporters of his, those in the middle, and even others who oppose Trump but haven’t lowered their standards for the practice seem to see this for what it is. Eminem has always been a master of his craft, and even many who don’t like rap or him generally have to concede that he’s got skills. I’m just not sure where they went.

About The Author

Gary Doan

Obviously, he’s a guy in front of a keyboard. He uses it to make money through the stock market for his career, but more importantly he uses it to tell other people on the internet how they’re wrong, post dank memes, and stay in a constant state of research about economics, law, and history. He lives in a town called Salem in a geodesic dome with his lovely wife, lovely children, regrettable pets, and some random Sanders supporter that lives in his attic and drinks all his booze. He enjoys logic, snark, satire, tattoos, learning, and obviously writing, libertarianism, and republics.

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