By R. Brownell
Communist Candice
“You didn’t wear the pants I bought you, don’t you want to fit into the collective?!?!”
This is the ex girlfriend that you went out with because she was cute and single…and you were bored and thought “why not?” This is the girl that dresses the same as the other girls, talks about the same thing as the other girls, is interested in the same things as the other girls, you get the point. Things started to role down hill when you wanted to do something unique for a date and she snapped at you and said “how dare we be different! No one else does it that way!” Her urge to fit in and be like everyone else caused her to go and throw away all your trendy clothes, the music only you liked, and pretty much everything that made you who you are. You finally said “enough is enough!” When she told you to get the same stupid haircut as all her friends’ boyfriends. You thought maybe you could remain friends, but she blocked your number and put up an emotional Berlin Wall. Don’t try and flirt with her cute friend though, because women are just like the KGB and once they find out what’s going on, they’ll fill her mind with enough anti-you propaganda you’ll appear second to Hitler in her world.
Conservative Clair
“It’s ok that you didn’t want to go to church with me on Sunday, now I know which one of us is going to Hell”
This was the girl you thought you could bring home, she was nice, quiet, and knew how to act like a lady. Almost the perfect woman, but she couldn’t contain your libertarian soul for rock n’ roll and eventually your off the wall energy just wore her out and she decided to move onto Conservative Carl, because with Carl she’ll know that when he is in the work shed he’s fixing something, instead of you trying to build a doomsday bunker. Maybe a little more traditional and reserved than you are, Conservative Clair will still text you now and again on holidays, say hello to your mom with a smile out in public, but begins to hate you because of the girl she sees hanging on your arm, which brings us to…
Liberal Lizzy
“We are so privileged, let’s eat at McDonald’s instead of Olive Garden to slum with the people!”
She wasn’t “the stupid” girl in high school, she was the “pretty girl,” catch my drift? Without a working knowledge of where money comes from, what is really good for the environment, and why the Constitution matters, this is the girlfriend who jumped on every bandwagon you could imagine. This chick was fun and more laid back then Conservative Clair, but dear god does Liberal Lizzy complain how because of men the world is against her and how your existence is pulling her down. You shrug it off though, because you know Liberal Lizzy is the same girl that wore a skimpy dress to that bar you met her at, knowing she would get her free drinks. Sadly, Liberal Lizzy’s free spirit showed how free she really was when you found out she cheated on you, but it’s cool because she’s progressive and you were sick of her inability to balance a checkbook. Just when you think things couldn’t get worse then you flippant ex, you hit rock bottom and meet the next nightmare of your life…
Socialist Sally
“If you don’t buy all my meals I’ll sue you for psychological abuse and have the state force you too!”
Socialist Sally and you fell hard and fast for each other, but before you could say “take it slow,” you adopted a cat, had a shared checking account, bought a house (under your name), and took out a loan so she could get a new sports car. You wanted to think things are cool, but before you realized you were drowning in debt. She comes home one day and says she quite her job because she felt like it and she thinks she is pregnant because you didn’t buy contraceptives, and she wants you to take care of her because she’s now an unemployed, possibly unwed mother. If you refuse to take care of her every whim she will fake domestic abuse and have the cops drag you to court until she has every penny you have so she can move onto the next dude. Socialist Sally leaves you bankrupt, but there is a silver lining to this bad break up…
Libertarian Alexandra
“Hey, I actually like you for you!”
She’s the everything you ever wanted! She’s independent and strong willed, but cherishes your mutual care and affection for each other. She works hard but makes time to spend with you because she knows what she wants: a relationship built on respect. She is a free thinker, she challenges you, and like the truly unique individual she is. She knows that this isn’t a relationship of two people who are the same, it’s two uniquely flawed people who accept each others strengths and weaknesses but find a reason to love each other anyway. Sadly, things came to an abrupt end and you two had to move on because of whatever, you forgot the reason because you were too busy crying she left you. You hit rock bottom again and thought you could never love another, and in your weak state of mind and soul, you encountered this hot mess…
Fascist Sarah
“You don’t want another black eye? Don’t leave the toilet seat up again!”
You were drawn to Fascist Sarah because you needed a dominant partner in your next relationship because Libertarian Alexandra left you in shambles. Fascist Sarah will make out with you whenever but now your friends are blocked from your life, you’re eating stuff you hate and she has thrown out everything about you she dislikes. Don’t break up with Fascist Sarah though, if you try and sit her down for a “talk” and she will straight up murder you.
Anarchy Amanda
“I love you! Let’s rob a bank!”
Somehow you escaped Fascist Sarah and years later you just assume you going to just stick to short term girlfriends who you know won’t wanna move in or change you. This is where you meet Anarchy Amanda; you thought she was fun and could hang with the bros but this chick is getting drunk and attacking cops, snorting a line of cocaine inside of a car she stole and yelling “no one can control me!” as she is trampled by the SWAT team. Anarchy Amanda ends up going to prison and you end up single again.