Sh*t Libertarians Say That You Should Freaking Listen To

By: Laura Meyers

There may be different strains of libertarians, but we tend to coin the same phrases. If you see a guy in a fedora wearing a Ron Paul shirt, you can probably hear him saying (or angrily typing on Facebook) one, if not a few, of these things:

1. End the fed

First, Ron Paul wrote a book titled after libertarians’ favorite anti-fed slogan. Then, Senator Ted Cruz says he thinks we should “Abolish the IRS’ and stood beside Rand Paul when the duo suggested auditing the Federal Reserve. “Burn it down!” we cry. Libertarians love money, we just don’t like a centralized bank in charge of it all. The free market should set the price of money, not some unelected bureaucrats at the Fed. Free the dollar bills!

2. Who cares?

Libertarians really just don’t care what you do as long as you’re not infringing on someone else’s rights. If you smoke a bowl while watching Bob’s Burgers, who cares? If you want to build a shed in your backyard without getting a permit, who cares? If you want to burn the Confederate flag while boofooing your boyfriend, who cares? If you want to stomp an American flag while doing cocaine at a batmizvah… who cares?

Libertarians are too busy watching drone videos and arguing on Facebook about anarchy to really care about regulating other people’s personal decisions.

3. Privatize it

Most every problem within any government entity can be solved with localization, no? Privatization is libertarians’ cure-all for bogged down bureaucracy, because when people are put in charge of other people and operate by spending other people’s money, there’s no incentive to work efficiently and effectively. And that’s the gospel truth.

4. How does ____ really affect you?

Libertarians seem to be the only ones that understand the idea that one does not have to ban something simply because one does not like it. Does it really pose a threat to public safety when two men are holding hands while walking down a sidewalk? Do you really need to pass an ordinance because some racist is flying a confederate flag in their front yard? Let people be idiots as long as their idiocracy doesn’t infringe on your rights. This is why we have front cameras on our cellphones and Facebook- for shaming idiocracy. You don’t need a law to buffer social contracts when there’s Reddit!

5. I’m sorry, I thought this was America

Welcome to PC nation. Libertarians hate the politically correct culture that is taking over political rhetoric, because it has begun to regulate free speech and thought. For example, one demonic racist goes on a shooting rampage, and that calls for the exhumation of a Civil War confederate general’s body and petitions to remove the Jefferson Davis memorial. Ugh.

6. The market will do it

The market is the answer to all libertarian FAQ’s. But without taxis…? Uber. But without business regulations…? The power of the consumer and competition. But but but… who will build the roads? The market will! In fact, the market already does. Who does the government hire to build the roads? Private construction companies. Who would build them without the government middleman, you ask? The market will! They’re called toll roads, my darlings. The marketplace is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Just ask your iPhone.

7. Statist!

If you aren’t libertarian enough for the libertarian you’re having a conversation with, then you’re A STATIST!!! But really. Libertarians tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to statism. And maybe that’s a problem. Or maybe you’re just a statist.