Hillary Clinton: 3/10
Doesn’t look as good as she did eight years ago, when she also proved unelectable.
Her freezing cold eyes and smile say I am the Watergate-type of President. I just can’t vibe with honesty or transparency, that ain’t my thing. I also enjoy going for long walks on the beach with my grandbaby on a leash.
Oh… she actually went for a campaign stroll with members of the press being pulled along by a rope? Close enough. That’s pretty wild. You go, Hillary!
Marco Rubio: 8/10
Rubio is a decent looking guy. His general appearance says I will still have hair eight years from now, pick me!
His clean-cut, basic (but kissable) bitchy outside suggests a vapid (but likeable) inside. Sadly, his high rating doesn’t translate to policy. No matter how pretty, basic bitches don’t make good Presidents.
Marco, you should stick to taking pictures and kissing babies with that beautiful face.
Rand Paul: 10/10
This is one fine specimen. His cute, curly hair says I’m electable, and will not only be the best president in history, but also the sexiest.
Unlike his pretty-boy competitor, Marco Rubio, Rand’s look has zest. From his dimple, to his hair, to his sleek outfits, Rand is different, and so is his policy. He stands out.
During his filibuster of the Patriot Act, Rand passionately explained that “You don’t know who the next group is that’s unpopular. The Bill of Rights isn’t for the prom queen. The Bill of Rights isn’t for the high school quarterback. The Bill of Rights is for the least among us. The Bill of Rights is for minorities. The Bill of Rights is for those who have minority opinions.”
Rand is a shorty. A little bit nerdy looking. He is relatable, he is real, and he is a defender of every American (even those who couldn’t make the football team). It’s all right there in his face!
Jeb Bush: 3/10
White guy, exclamation point. His baby fat indicates he will forever be in the shadow of his handsome big brother.
Yes, Baby Bush. You’re establishment. You look it, and we see it. Maybe if you dyed your hair purple people would be able to see something other than your dried-up family name. That would be cool…
Bernie Sanders: 1/10
This dude is just pretty crazy looking. His eyes and hair strongly resemble the cartoon of a mad scientist, and suggest he will go on a shooting spree when he eventually realizes redistribution of wealth doesn’t work.
Okie dokie, Bernie. You go ahead and “applaud the people of Greece” for stubbornly and blindly holding onto socialism. Your words match the wacky level of your face. There is a reason Hillary doesn’t take you seriously.
Ted Cruz: 0/10
This poor guy always has a pretty constipated look on his face. Now, maybe he’s just tired, but those bushy, downturned eyebrows and pursed lips say either I’ve been toking the reefer or I’m very concerned about the future of this country should I be elected. Possibly I’m nervous for this country because I’ve been toking the reefer.
Maybe it’s his thick-headed insistence upon legislating morality, or maybe it’s his thick head, but something is a little off, even icky about Ted Cruz.
Ted. Nowhere on the Internet are you smiling. Nobody wants a Debby Downer for President.
Chris Christie: 5/10
Okay, he’s a little dumpy. Pork barrel candidate, perhaps? Expect tax cuts on everything except junk food?
His face suggests he might say something really dumb, like, We’re going to look back on [not extending the Patriot Act], and [Rand Paul] should be in front of hearings in front of Congress if there’s another attack. Oh, wait… that was a real quote. I guess the stupid is more than just appearance for our boy, Chris. I mean, blaming his clearly more attractive competitor Rand for the next terrorist attack? You need a Snickers, Chris.
Still, he has more swag than much of his competition. Sorta like an aggressive teddy bear, at least he isn’t boring.
Scott Walker: 5/10
Pretty happy-go-lucky looking guy. His generally pleasant demeanor says I’m a pretty average, relatable guy (thus the very average score). Let’s get a beer.
Scott Walker has a similar look to Marco Rubio, except a little bit goofier. That face and durable grin suggest that his Presidency will be goofier as well.
Rick Perry: 7/10
Hipster.
Ben Carson: 7/10
Suave, preacher-doctor-type President. His face clearly says I have access to the Black vote and you don’t!
Like many politicians who go after the Black vote, Carson (he is more of a last name sort of guy) has addressed the prison system and justice reform. Carson is quoted: people “go into prison straight — and when they come out, they’re gay.”
Got it.
Donald Trump: 0/10
Eww. Trump just looks like a rich, pompous asshole. His face says yeah, I am a rich pompous asshole, and I’d be the best president of all time. (His face is lying about the last part).
There isn’t all that much about Trump… He has got to be the most bombastic dumb blonde to ever grace the television screen. Does he even have stances on policy?
Rick Santorum: 1/10
