National Enquirer Extorts Bezos, Gets Bought By Amazon

In an explosive post on Medium, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos accused The National Enquirer of extorting him with nude photos they had obtained.

Several hours after the post, Amazon announced that they would be acquiring The National Enquirer. Amazon revealed that their board of directors unanimously approved the buyout, with the aim of merging The National Enquirer with Amazon-owned The Washington Post.

An insider with knowledge of the merger spoke under condition of anonymity to The Libertarian Republic, stating that The Washington Post and The National Enquirer merger makes perfect sense considering their similar reputability.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos was asked if the potential for his nude photos being leaked had any weight on the acquisition.

Bezos answered:

“Photos of my genitalia being released to the general public did concern me. Access to these photos should be a perk for Amazon Prime members. This acquisition ensures that.”

Bezos went on to state that other celebrity nudes obtained by the National Enquirer would be a perk for Amazon Prime members going forward.

Paper newsprint copies of the National Enquirer will be pulled from the shelves of grocery and convenience stores beginning early next month, and will be sold exclusively at Whole Foods locations.

Disclaimer: This article is satire