Top 5 Ways Donald Trump is Still the Christian Choice

3) Because we need a “real” Christian back in the White House, and Trump is at least honest

Can’t a lot of America’s problems be clearly traced back to failure of having a moral man in the Oval Office? We all know the Democrats don’t respect traditional Christian values as well as the Republicans. And arguably, Barack Obama isn’t even a Christian and might secretly be a Muslim, right? Just look at him!

Thankfully, in July of 2015 (as reported in the Christian Post) Trump clearly stated, “I’m not sure I have ever asked God’s forgiveness. I don’t bring God into that picture.” He then emphasized that he wasn’t taking his spirituality lightly, “When I go to church and when I drink my little wine and have my little cracker, I guess that is a form of forgiveness.”

Wait…what? That can’t be right, he must have meant something entirely different. But… even so, what if he isn’t the “strongest” practicing Christian? What really matters is a person’s actions and choices, not whether or not they go through silly rituals or pray, what matters to God is what you do. Trump is a man of action, and he does his good deeds in the world, correct?

Thank goodness The Atlantic worked up a nice summary of Trump’s moral works through the years.

In case you don’t have time to read it all, I’ll summarize some of the more impressive, Christian-y, parts of David Graham’s article:

• Racial housing discrimination and partnerships with the mafia.
• Intimidating and bullying tenants of his properties.
• Hiring undocumented workers so he could pay them less money and work them in deplorable conditions.
• Outright refusing to pay other workers and contractors once work was done.
• Using charity money to buy massive amounts of his own book, a large painting of himself, and settle legal disputes.
• Four bankruptcies, multiple lawsuits including fraud, antitrust violations, and accusations of marital rape.

Wow, okay, actually that’s a lot of pretty crappy stuff. King Solomon was rich, but I don’t remember the mafia being involved. But as the Bible says, “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.” Wait, no… I guess that really doesn’t help either, just reiterates that Trump has possibly done a lot of amoral things to get his wealth.

So… um… Muslims, again, right? We’re running out of list spots, so we’ve got to go with Muslims. Barack Obama is a Muslim, the Democrats love Muslims, and if Trump doesn’t get in and kill all the damned Muslims, they’re going to blow us all up!

That’s it, God wants Trump in office to kill the Muslims–

Eh… that doesn’t sound exactly right either. Didn’t God say something about “blessed be the peacemakers,” and things about forgiveness? So…

What about the kids! That’s it, just look at his kids. They’ve got really got great posture and dress well. Obviously, no one lacking moral fiber could raise skinny kids that don’t fart or drool on themselves in public with only several billion dollars at your disposal, right. That’s got to be hard… sort of. So with kids like that, he’s got to be a great guy, and a spiritual soul. And in fact, I image Trump even wears a “what would Jesus do,” bracelet to help keep himself on track, because…