Did You Lose Your Cocaine at Sam’s Club? The Police Want to Help

by Joe Klare

We’ve all been there: you’re at Sam’s Club, in the checkout lane and you’re coming up to the cash register. You put your hand in your pocket in an attempt to get your money out, but the damn bag of cocaine you bought earlier keeps getting in the way. So you pull it out and lay it next to the register so you can get to your cash and pay for your items.

Later, when you get home and are preparing for a wired night with your bag of cocaine, you realize you’ve been a Forgetful Fred and left it at the checkout at Sam’s Club.

But don’t worry, when it comes to reuniting you with your coke, the police are here to help. In fact, police in Eastern Pennsylvania are looking for someone who forgot their bag of cocaine at the local Sam’s Club.

“If anyone is missing their bag of cocaine, please contact ST(Springettsbury Township)PD,” they reportedly put out in a news release.

See? The police just want to help. They know you work hard for your cocaine and you didn’t get to enjoy it along with the 28 gallon tub of Miracle Whip and the 1,680 count pack of straws you got at Sam’s that night.