By: Laura Meyers
Ever wonder what it would be like to live in a utopian libertarian republic? I imagine it’s probably something similar to Texas, but still better. In a world where guns aren’t scary, weed is totally chill, and what you earn is what you keep, we would all be happier people. But, the Rolling Stones said it best, you can’t always get what you want. And that’s when God created the politician.
1. Having a percentage of your paycheck withheld 
One of the most disappointing feelings in the world is opening up that tri-folded piece of paper on Friday only to see that part of what you earned is going into someone else’s wallet instead of your own. Then, you start to monetize all the potential things you could have purchased with your withheld money, and looming sadness overwhelms you at the thought of the new pair of jeans and animal shelter donations you could have bought and given if only you were given the chance.
Well, in a libertarian republic, that wouldn’t happen! You’d earn a full paycheck! And not only that, but your place of employment would also earn their full paycheck in combination with open competition and no bureaucratic red tape, potentially allowing you, as an employee, to earn higher wages on top of all that.
2. Bringing nail clippers on a plane
Or a pocket-knife. Or a lighter. Or, God forbid, a bottle of water. In a libertarian republic, you could bring whatever the hell you wanted onto a plane! Unless the privatized airport has regulations against it. Then you can just redirect your business to the other airport that is more consumer-friendly. And that, my friends, could be the beauty of a free and open air travel market TSA-free.
3. No double-checking yourself when driving past a cop
There are so many things you wouldn’t have to worry about when getting pulled over in a libertarian republic. Got a gun in your console? Not a big deal, so does everyone else. Got a baggie of weed and tube of Pringles in your passenger seat? Really, it’s okay. Going 95 on the interstate? Totally fine, because that road happens to be a toll road owned by a BAMF who doesn’t care how fast you drive on his privatized highway, because this is autobahn country, baby! Rev it up.
4. Getting a permit for a bonfire
Someone please tell me why you need a permit to build a garage, to have a lemonade stand, to go fishing and hunting, to fix someone’s air conditioner, to sell food, to grow a vegetable garden in your front lawn, and to cut or braid hair. In a libertarian republic, you do you…permitlessly. *Looks up to see the heavens open and hears angels singing*
5. Affirmative action and interracial hatred
A libertarian republic would give zero you-know-what’s about what race, gender, age, shape or size you are… if you want a job, and you are qualified for said job, you can get that job! Truly fair treatment under the law like this would decrease hostility between races and genders, etc. that we can see now as a result of affirmative action, especially in cases like college and job applications. Affirmative action hurts equality, because it isn’t equal, and in a libertarian republic, there would only be equality. And weed… there’d be lots of weed too.
6. Getting married
We’re close, but are we all the way there yet? After the recent Supreme Court ruling in favor of gay marriage, a trio in Montana applied for a polygamous marriage license, and were initially denied the right to a license. In a libertarian republic, honey badger don’t care if you have eighteen wives! (I’m picturing a very hairy, lumberjack-esque Hugh Hefner in the depths of the Appalachian mountains with a bunch of babes in yellow bikinis and fur booties with lots and lots of Pomeranians and beer.)
7. Being restricted from purchasing things with federal age requirements
I’m 20-years-old and I’m so confused. Why can I get married, have babies, smoke cigarettes, drive a car, go to war and kill people, but can’t have a damn margarita with my fish tacos on Tuesdays? Because statism, that’s why.
Libertarian republic, where are you? I need you.
And you know what these dumb federal regulations on the legal drinking age, for example, have incentivized? They’ve incentivized raging house parties for college students that aren’t old enough to be admitted into bars, where they’re binge drinking on spiked jungle juice that’s been made by some dumb fraternity pledge member inside a dirty 10-gallon Gatorade jug.
So thanks for that age restriction, feds, it’s really worked out in my favor.