Star Studded Kickoff for RNC: ‘May the Odds Be Ever in your Favor’

The Republican National Convention launched Monday night with all the pomp and circumstance you’d expect from a nationally televised event featuring representatives from all the districts of this great nation. Millions gathered in front of their television sets to absorb the purview of commentary provided by established and would-be champions at this preeminent gathering of the party faithful. RNC ceremonies were kicked-off early — even before all the equipment was set up — with a surprise celebrity guest, resembling superstar commentator Caesar Flickerman (of Hunger Games fame). His opening remarks, which were delivered eloquently — and with such high production value — can be seen below.

Following the comments of the renowned orator, many others would step forward onto history’s stage to speak truth to the great unwashed masses; including the infamous fact-finder and globalist whistle-blower Alex Jones. This powerful pontificator purveyed a plethora of potent particulars in the proximity of a gathered gallery of groundnuts. Observe.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTUKDxdC0Ec

The star-studded evening continued with the chronic cacophony of the potential president’s constituents as Trump champions were paraded one-after-another, ringing the bells of safety and security that the powerful billionaire entertainer has promised to establish and ensure for all his countrymen. “Make America Safe Again,” was the theme of the evening, and the procession of eloquent opiners made it clear that only a President Trump has the authoritarian know-how to get things done in this great country. In a speech that was so full of truth and ageless wisdom the viewer couldn’t help but think they had heard it before — maybe in a past life — the beautiful and stately wife of Trump let us know concretely that “Donald gets things done.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KtpNYmzweA

With this much excitement and historical significance packed into an evening, most attendees would feel they had been treated to more than their money’s worth — but Trump had one more surprise. The house lights were dimmed and a mysterious fog rolled across the stage. One of the immortal anthems of legendary crooner Freddie Mercury resonated in the background ushering in the dauntless champion of the nights festivities — the Donald himself.

A more remarkable evening would be difficult to imagine. If Monday night was any indication of what is waiting for us all behind time’s door the rest of the week, getting down on our knees and thanking the Donald for his leadership and magnanimity might be the most appropriately gelastic thing we could do.