Is There a Shakeup Coming for the GOP Presidential Ticket?

by James R. Duncan

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On the heels of this weekend’s disturbing recordings from GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump, and a dubious debate performance, rumors have surfaced that Reince Priebus, the Republican Party chairman, will look to officially remove Trump from the top of the ticket.

“It’s time we all take a stand to protect those core values for which the Republican Party has always been known,” Mr. Priebus is rumored to have said to a group of fundraisers. He added with a relieved smile, “The Tasmanian Devil has agreed to step in.”

As news spreads across the country, many Republicans seemed to be breathing a little easier, assuming it was a done deal.

“I think we can work with the Tasmanian Devil,” Paul Ryan commented. “I’m not exactly ready to fully endorse him, but I’d like to meet with him and see what he has to say.” Speaker Ryan then whispered to his aide, “He speaks English, right?”

“Taz is an honorable, man,” Mike Pence added. “I’ll be proud to run with him, and can’t wait to bring values and sensibility back to Washington. Just a good, good, man.” When someone pointed out that the Tasmanian Devil was not a man at all, but a cartoon (not even of a man), Pence replied, “This election is about jobs, not name calling from Hillary’s liberal media machine.”

Immediately after the announcement, however, Hillary Clinton’s army of liberal mass media was actually already researching the Tasmanian Devil to find any dirt possible. A host of potential gaffes and troubling videos immediately began surfacing. Many allegedly show the Tasmanian Devil spinning wildly, crashing through walls, raving like a wild man, and getting himself stuck in compromising situations.

“I’m fully on board with Mr. Devil,” Governor Chris Christie leaped out of a Dunkin Donuts to tell a passing reporter. “It’s time to cut the bull-crap in Washington, and Mr. Devil’s the one to do it!” Governor Christie grabbed the fleeing reporter’s arm to ask, “You know how to reach him? …Wait come back!”

But despite Chris Christie’s immediate endorsement, more troubling rumors have quickly begun to surface. It is now alleged that the Tasmanian Devil might even have once horrifically “triggered” a feminist. Allegedly, in 1976 the Tasmanian Devil tried to buy her flowers, then openly wept in public once she rejected him.

Although the incident happened 40 years ago, the woman, Jennifer Gullbottom, says she has never completely recovered.

“It was so traumatic,” she told CNN’s Jake Tapper. “It was like this older, powerful man wanted me to… to… like him. He had these weird red cartoon hearts coming out of his eyes, and he was just mumbling and drooling as he tried to give me the flowers. It was awful.”

“Well,” Jake Tapper countered. “He was a cartoon. Not even um… not even a cartoon of an older man, just some sort of frenetic rodent type thing.”

“But I felt like,” Miss Gullbottom clarified. “That I had almost been raped. You know. Because… white men. Which is the same thing as being raped, since, you know… I felt it.”

“Nope,” Jake Tapper answered. “No, it’s really not. Not at all. …Is Giuliani here yet?”

“Look,” Rudy Giuliani clarified the pro-Tasmanian Devil stance. “Tasmanian was a different guy back then. Boys will be boys. Yada yada. So what if he can’t speak? Are any of us perfect? He’d make a great Commander in Chief.”

“But he’s a lunatic cartoon.”

“The real issue is taxes, not locker-room talk and cartoon stuff,” Giuliani continued. “It’s law and order, and security from radicalized Muslims. Hillary Clinton can’t do those things, only Tasmanian can.”

“But,” Jake Tapper countered, “weren’t you just saying yesterday that only Donald Trump could do those things? Now you’re saying it’s got to be a cartoon Tasmanian Devil?”

“Yes,” Giuliani nodded emphatically. “This is about morals, the direction of the country. The Clintons are evil and must be stopped.”

“But, again.” Jake Tapper sighed. “He’s a cartoon. He’s not real.”

“Muslims.” Guilliani’s eyes teared up. “I was at 9/11, you weren’t. …Muuuuuuuuslims.”

“But how—f*ck it. Who’s next?”

Within hours of the announcement, Kellyanne Conway, former Trump campaign manager, was hired by the Tasmanian Devil team to go on CNN and get things back on track.

“I believe,” Kellyanne said. “That things need to be put in perspective. The average voter needs to ask themselves, why is all of this news about the Tasmanian Devil coming out right now? Why are we even worrying about who said what when, or if the Tasmanian Devil is a real person? Why does it matter if he is really a psychotic marsupial when the country needs change? And most importantly, why aren’t any of these questions being turned on Hillary Clinton? Is it maybe because you’re all on the take for Hillary and her corrupt Washington media machine that has been destroying the country for 30 years?”

“Just to clarify,” Jake Tapper asked. “You want us to also investigate if Hillary Clinton is a psychotic cartoon marsupial?”

“You certainly haven’t looked into the fact that she’s destroyed tens of thousands of classified emails, and most likely used the Clinton Foundation as a gateway to soliciting wealth in exchange for favorable US government treatment. So yes, I’m just saying that the Tasmanian Devil could be being set up, and no one in the main stream media would even care to look into it as you’re all so invested in Hillary Clinton winning. Have you looked at ALL the past photos from back then?”

“Like which,” Jake Tapper scoffed.

“These,” Kellyanne Conway offered:

“Whoa,” Jake Tapper exclaimed. “Who’s that rabbit? Wow… that rabbit really does look like he’s manipulating the Tasmanian Devil.”

Jake Tapper glared at his producers, demanding, “Why haven’t we investigated the rabbit?”

“We’re not allowed to talk about the rabbit,” Al Schwarz, CNN producer whispered to Jake Tapper. “Miss Clinton has forbid bringing the rabbit up on the air.”

“Wait, we really do work for Hillary Clinton?

“Son of a bitch,” Jake Tapper yelled, then stomped his foot. “Come on, I just… I just wanted to be a real reporter, I didn’t know the Clintons really did control everything.” A very sad Jake Tapper started pulling off his microphone, but then asked hopefully, ” …Can anyone get Gary Johnson on the phone?”

“We tried,” Al Schwarz shrugged. “He’s just stoned watching old Looney Tunes cartoons though, and won’t answer the phone.”

James R Duncan is licensed in several careers he has abandoned. In addition to testing into things, and then changing his mind, he writes. Mostly snarky things, which sometimes happen to be accidentally insightful. His novel, Blood Republic, is a fictional thriller about two-party corruption breaking the country into a second civil war of Republicans vs Democrats. It can be found at Amazon, and other major retailers.

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