Advice from Avens: How Do You Deal With Character Attacks?
Dear Avens,
I need some advice, woman to woman. I assume as a public figure, you have probably encountered rumors about you that aren’t true. I’m a woman in the liberty scene who started to get a bit of a following. I found out recently, second-hand, that someone said I was a slut, and to stay away from me, lest I “steal” their boyfriend. It’s bad enough that they call me a slut, but to go so far as expect me to transgress on another’s relationship is utter bullshit. I have no idea how this person developed this idea of me. What do you do when your character is being unfairly questioned?”
Sleepless in San Francisco
Dear Sleepless,
Yes, public figures tend to endure more baseless rumors about themselves. That’s an unfortunate side-effect of the spotlight. The more of a public figure you are, the more dehumanized you often become, and it’s easier to attack people who don’t seem “real”. Just look at celebrities.
It’s one of the reasons I’m so TMI on my own Facebook – to give everyone a look inside my life and make myself as real as possible, complete with self-deprecating commentary at times. It helps deflect some of the worst of it, but sometimes you just have to accept that if you’re “big” enough to be “known” by people who don’t know you personally, people are going to say things and some of those things might be wrong. Hopefully others realize that as well, and if they don’t, maybe me saying it here helps.
So, people are inevitably going to say things that are either misunderstandings or lies.
As for this particular allegation, of being a “slut” — here’s a massively generalized social assumption to remember:
- Everybody who has had less sex than you is a prude.
- Everyone who has had more sex than you is a slut.
Now, remember that most people actually think that way, and that’s almost always how you need to translate either of those judgements in your head. I’m of the opinion that “slut” doesn’t need to be a bad thing, but I understand that being called something you don’t want to be called is not pleasant, particularly if it implies things about you that aren’t accurate.
Respecting your anonymity for the purpose of this piece, but knowing who you actually are, I’ll just say this: You’re a very attractive woman, and you’ve got a lot of guy friends. I hate assuming that people are either jealous or intimidated, but you have to recognize that a lot of people can be.
Remember to avoid being catty yourself. Not accusing you of being that way currently, but always check yourself periodically, just to make sure. Represent your lady friends well, and avoid the social traps and stereotypes that begin to perpetuate patterns of people being disrespectful towards each other.
I want to address this next thing: this concept of “stealing” a boyfriend. As you mentioned, this is utter bullshit. With the exception of, say, kidnapping, you can’t “steal” a person. They’re not property. They have agency, and that means you simply can’t “steal” someone’s boyfriend. Partners make commitments or they don’t, and if one’s committed partner will “run off” with someone else (provided that isn’t a preset arrangement like polyamory), then the relationship is already in a problematic situation and a hot girl showing up isn’t the problem, honestly.
Hell, you’re a libertarian, so if significant others were property, you still wouldn’t steal other people’s, right?
So, the rumor is baseless and it sucks. You know the truth of your life and reality, and so it can be terribly frustrating to find out that people comment both inaccurately and possibly maliciously about your life.
Remember that people attack others for a number of reasons. Some include:
- Disagreeing with them
- Not understanding them
- Not liking them
- Wanting what they have
If people actually disagree with you, you just have to accept that. Being civil and never making your disagreements about personal attacks is a good strategy, but you can’t control how others will go about things. If people don’t understand you, the only thing you can do is communicate better, and hope for the best. In either of these situations, you’re still stuck only being able to control your own behavior, so just make sure what you do is something you’re willing to stand by.
You can’t really do anything about someone simply not liking you, except continue to be civil, friendly and kind. I knew a girl once who simply did not like me, no matter how nice I was. I could never win her over, but what I could do was make sure that I was classy and kind, so nobody could ever accuse me of being mean to her. Whenever she said anything bad about me, people would respond with “but Avens gets along with everybody and she’s nice to you! Why do you hate her so much?” and she ended up looking petty. Give people some credit — they see the petty. Let it not be you.
Lastly, yes, I sound like someone’s mother, but sometimes people are just jealous and you need to ignore them. Jealousy can be an incredible motivator for some — if you have an abundance mentality you can be envious of someone else and go “how do I accomplish that as well?” and it can make you a better person, more driven and more successful. However, some people are stuck in a crab mentality, and in order to “rise” they need to pull others down. Those people suck. They really do, and the best thing you can do is avoid getting caught up in their awfulness. High roads can be lonely and exhausting, but they certainly have a better view.
Just do you. Do you the best you can do, and don’t let rumors get you down. Behave in a way that represents the way you wish to be spoken about, and then let go and realize you can’t control the situation any more than that. Just let your reality overwhelm the rumors, and you’ll be fine.
Best,
Avens
About Ask Avens
Ask Avens is going to be a weekly advice column here on The Libertarian Republic. I’ll answer questions about dating, sex, relationships, monogamy, polyamory, friendships, public life, or various human dynamics questions. You can submit questions by commenting on this post with them, or by messaging me on Facebook. Unless otherwise requested, the questions will be presented anonymously.
