Animal Shelters Running Low On Dogs For Cops To Shoot (SATIRE)

By Ryan Lazarus

It has become a standard practice for cops to shoot dogs while on the job. There are certainly instances where cops legitimately fear for their safety and draw their weapons, but it appears all to often officers use neighborhood pooches for target practice. It happens on routine non-emergency calls and on thrilling no-knock drug raids. It has been estimated by animal abuse experts that every 98 minutes, a pet is killed by law enforcement in the U.S.

Candice Henderson, 31, recently lost her adorable Mini Pin named Tinkerbell after 7-year veteran Sgt. James Zinger shot the miniature dog multiple times. Candice said, “I heard someone trying to break into the back door so I called the police. I yelled at the intruder and scared him off I guess. Tinkerbell was playing in the front yard when the police arrived. She was such a sweet creature, I never expected Officer Zinger to shoot her. She was my best friend and personal accessory”.

Zinger claims, “The dog was showing its teeth while holding a stick in its mouth. I couldn’t tell if the little runt wanted to play fetch or was going to attack me. It was a tough decision but I have a right to protect myself. I drew my weapon and sent Tinkerbell back to Neverland.”

Stories like this are not uncommon. The Toledo Dog Shelter has become accustomed to adopters coming in to rescue a new dog after losing their furry friends to “furry-fire”, as many people call it. “Our shelter is pretty much empty these days. As soon as we bring a dog in, multiple recent victims are ready to pickup a new dog. Our turnover rate has gone up 10 fold since the police became more militarized and trigger happy over the past few decades.” said Mike Nelson, the owner of the Toledo Dog Shelter.

SafeHouse Animal Shelter, in Kansas City, is trying something unconventional to keep local dogs safe. They are requesting that dog owners bring their pets to the shelter where they will be safe from police. Dina Wallace, who manages SafeHouse, claims that the dogs are statistically much safer while remaining caged at the shelter. Ms. Wallace explained, “In the event of a search warrant raid, a bullet-proof glass window pops up to protect our dogs from police bullets. Without such an extreme measure it could be a potential bloodbath. Cops don’t seem to understand that dogs can’t attack them while they are secured in a cage.” Many pet owners come to visit the loved ones on weekends. They recently set up an enclosed “dog park” with Kevlar-padded walls. “It’s the only place I feel safe with Fluffy,” said Mike Sherman, a proud owner of a Shiba Inu.

Some have even reported having the opposite problem.

Certain shelters across the country have reported running low on animals from desperate owners who are seeking to replace their animals. Owner Jane Harmon reported, “We kept coming back for more, but the officers kept shooting them.” Donations of unwanted pets to shelters suffering from low populations are being requested from citizens who can spare them.

Pet owners are taking more precautions with their pets, which is creating a thriving industry in pet protection services and products. Pete’s Pet Protection just opened its third store in New Jersey. Their top-selling items are bullet-resistant vests that are typically reserved for K-9 officers. Pete Thomas, the man behind the organization said, “Putting clothes on your dog used to be for crazy people but now everyone makes sure their dog has a vest.”

Mr. Thomas offers bundled deals which throw in a dog helmet and “puppycide” insurance for just $100 more. “Some people spend thousands of dollars on special breeds. Having protection against police-induced puppycide is essential these days,” said Pete. The most expensive product Pete offers is a doggy panic room, with police proximity sensor. The sensor is placed on the dog’s collar and when police presence is sensed, the panic room plays a recorded message of the dog’s owner saying, “Treat, treat!” After the dog enters the panic room it will remain closed until the owner puts in the 6-digit code on the keypad placed on the outside of the door.

Apparently it’s not just family pets and pet owners that are upset by police behavior these days. There has been numerous reports of K-9 officers who were witnesses of unnecessary puppycide who are now boycotting their human masters and no longer participate in police actions. Every time their handler puts them in the car, they urinate and defecate all over the vehicle. These protesting K-9s may prove to be the best advocates our family pets have, but there is word going around that these K-9s feel like they might be targeted next.

Author Bio: Ryan Lazarus is an entrepreneur, future Oscar/Emmy winner, writer, and a great connector of people, ideas, and talent. A libertarian. Chipotletarian. Comedian.

Reach out to me on Facebook and Twitter

Check out my new blog.

 

Leave a Comment